Vulnerability and imperfection

‘Being vulnerable is being beautiful, because this is how we get to be loved – for our fragility and our mistakes, not for our perfection. Love is found in imperfection, in truth and in breakdowns, not in the moments when we are happy.”

 

When I look around I see so many people who share their stories. People who are willing to be vulnerable. There’s something about them that moves others. Every single person is touched in a way that I’ve never seen before. Why so? If vulnerability is such a weakness? Why do we look up to those who are vulnerable? Well, I think it’s because we appreciate the things we are afraid to do ourselves. We try so hard to keep our perfect appearances and our walls ten meters high, but when we see truth, authenticity and others sharing their own feelings little by little our defenses are falling down. We understand on a subconscious level the experience of being human and as a human being, every single one of us faces hardships. We feel like we belong, we feel as if we are heard for the first time. We know there is a story inside of us, too. We understand that we matter. Being human is being vulnerable and when our shell breaks we discover our light. Others shine a light on our hearts when they have the courage to be themselves and their weakness makes them strong in our eyes.

There’s also another point here. My question is ’’why do we love someone?’’. I’ve been thinking about this for the last couple of days. Yeah, we do say ‚’’I love you’’ to people. Maybe sometimes without even understanding why. We do it in a rush or without thinking. We say this to our parents, our brothers and sisters, our friends, but as soon as someone asks us why – silence. We don’t know why. We just do. Well, I think I found a good answer to this question and yes- it’s all about vulnerability. We love people because they are imperfect, fragile, vulnerable. We love people for who they really are with the good and the bad parts. We love them for their cracks, for their smiles, and for their golden hearts. We don’t love them for being perfect, we love them for being true, sticking to their values and mindsets. If they were perfect we would just love them from afar. We would never dare to enter the house and live with them, talk to them, share our secrets and our dreams. When we see a perfect porcelain doll we admire it from outside the glass of a display window. Perfection, a smiling face and a straight upper lip will forever keep our love away from them, because we know the truth. We are all human. We all feel fear, pain, and shame. Being vulnerable is being beautiful, because this is how we get to be loved – for our fragility and our mistakes, not for our perfection. Love is found in imperfection, in truth and in breakdowns, not in the moments when we are happy.

My point is – be vulnerable. I know it sounds risky or like a horror story because I lived these feelings myself, but just think about it. Can you spend your whole life faking being perfect and not truly living from your heart? Can you pay the price of not being seen, heard or even loved? I’ll live you with that question. In the end, you decide what’s best for your life.

Hugs,

Mada

 

 

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A forever-changing world

I haven’t written in a while and that’s not because I didn’t want to. I was ’’under construction’’, suffering a huge restructure of my worldview. Instead of sharing fragments of my scattered mind, I preferred to wait. Now, I’m coming out strong with a brand new perspective of the world. This time I’m authentic since I released the need to please others. I may sound harsh at times or aggressive, so I take the blame for it. I’m just sick of pretending I’m something that I’m not. If you don’t like what I write or if it sounds against your values, go somewhere else. I appreciate everybody’s point of view. I keep an open mind, but if I disagree, back off and let me live life my way. I appreciate criticism. What I don’t like is people who impose their own set of values on me. This is my take on the subject and not the ultimate truth. I’m subjected to imperfection, aren’t we all? My way is not the best way for everybody, just the best way for me.

Lately, I’ve been thinking more and more about the concept of ’’safety’’ and how much we need it. My question is ’’why?”. I mean, nobody and nothing can give you safety. It’s just an illusion. Living life in your bubble, stuck in your limited view is indeed safe, but that doesn’t protect you from an unexpected death or a sudden car accident. Let’s be pragmatic because pragmatism is really missing from many people’s heads these days. We live in an unsafe world in which there are terrorist attacks, suicides, terminal illnesses, some of which really happen overnight. You came up one day and your kid died or you discovered you have cancer. Point is, nothing is safe and disagreeing with me won’t certainly help the victims of terrorism. We are just looking for illusions to satisfy our anxious selves as if denying the obvious will make it go away. No, it won’t. In retrospect, I propose a different view. Instead of searching and being in desperate need of something ’’safe’’ we could learn to live with uncertainty, with open-ended questions, with gaps in our thinking. I think ultimate truths are for people who cannot handle unexpected changes. Ultimate truths are for those who don’t want to believe that change is indeed a constant. Just look around. People change, circumstance change, scientific discoveries are in full-blown and even the way we communicate changes. At some point we did not have medicine to cure illnesses, now the mortality rate has considerably dropped. At some point people believed the Earth was flat, now we have scientific evidence that it’s not. Yes, change is a constant and if we want to count on something that is real and not far-fetched that is change. We can remain stuck in bubbles of positive thinking about how happiness is a so far dream, but trust me, we’ll never reach it. A better approach will be to take a deep breath and settle into our present moment.

Honestly, I choose the unexpected because as counterintuitive as it sounds, it’s actually safer than the sugar-coated lies of a positive life that lies somewhere in the future. In what future? The one you don’t create? And yes, I believe in creating a good life, for that matter. No, I don’t wait for things to fall of the sky. People make things happen. People make their lives better. People choose their thoughts and feelings. Yes, there are things out of our control. Some may be determined by an unknown force called God or by causal relationships. I don’t know for sure.  I just want to count on things that we can see and touch. At least you’re sure with that. They are not disappointing. Change is always present, whether you like it or not. So why fight it when you can just go with the flow? I still haven’t truly found an answer to this. For some, their narrow bubble is better than accepting a new point of view. This thing works for them and if it does, I’m happy. For the rest of us, yeah, maybe we just like to adapt to the forever changing world that we experience today. At least I do.

Lots of love,

Mada

Excerpt

Subjectivity, saved by proclivity

Drown in philosophy

Don’t waste your time on mundane sensitivity

The destination is your infinity.

Suffering is inefficiency

My only aim is rationality

Emotions only destroy me

‘Cause I’m feeling it completely

The affection of agony

This madness is keeping me company.

Destination is my infinity

When I drown my affection inside your body

I feel the galaxies reigniting.

How to get over a break up

’’I won’t write your obituary, but I will write you a new sky, one you can taste.

I will write you a DIY cloud maker so on days when you can’t do anything you can still make clouds in whatever shape you want them.’’- Nora Cooper

I’m writing this for a friend who requested it, so I hope you like it.

I’m not going to sit here and pretend to understand your pain. I’m not going to sit here and pretend like I understand you completely. I can’t do that. All I can do is be human and know how to encompass the suffering of my heart, the journey that I went through. Yes, every experience is different and I’m not going to start this post by pretending you’re not special and that your life doesn’t matter. I want to start this by acknowledging that although you are unique, you are still a human being and what I mean by that is: your heart would be broken at some point in your life. We all go through that. Yes, it’s earthshattering. Yes, it’s awful. There are days when you will feel like dying because living is such a burden, but trust me on this. Please, don’t believe me. Believe is too much of a word right now. Believe is an inappropriate word for this post. Have faith in me, because in faith, although you’re blind you have to pretend like one day you will be able to see again. In heartbreak, too. Although you feel a huge amount of catastrophic pain, you have to live with the knowledge that one day you will be happy again… and love like never before with a healed heart. Just have faith in me and yes, I’m asking a lot, I know, but please just try.

I put up a list of pieces of advice when it comes to moving on from a heartbreak. I know that many people struggle with this. I personally did in my own life and at the time I wished a list such as this would have existed. It would have saved me a whole amount of suffering. That’s why I’m happy to do this for you. I’m not saying that every advice on this list is going to work for everyone, but probably they will work for the majority of people. I’m not saying I’m an expert in broken hearts, just a human who learned some lessons the hard way. So, feel free to share it and I really hope this soothes your devastating pain. The order does not matter, don’t get caught up in numbers.

This is a special side note and a warning. Take it seriously into consideration. It’s not a joke and I know some people struggle with it, especially if they come from an unsafe family environment and they lost the bond of attachment with their lover:
Let the suicidal ideation pass – this does not apply to everyone, but for those who do either help yourself feel better or find someone else to do it!!!
Don’t try to kill yourself right now, no matter how you feel. You are not rational. If you need help talk to your friends, family or call 112/911. I know you feel alone, heartbroken, sad empty and all that, but life is worth living and there is always hope. Let the suicidal ideation pass and don’t act on it. Things will get better in time, but you have to believe it. Moreover, you don’t want to die, you just want a solution to your problem and trust me, there are other solutions available. Keep on reading.

Now we start with the advice about moving on. I found it more helpful to emphasize how important life is before giving proper advice. I know some people struggle with suicidal ideation and yes, you are heard and I know that for you the process is even harder. You are a warrior in many ways because you keep on living despite the pain. Here is my list:
1. Get out of bed and do something
Get out of bed. Really. Just get out of bed and do something. If you feel like staying there and crying for the rest of your life, you are taking the wrong turn, darling. Yes, mourning is important, but don’t be as catastrophic as this. If you can’t motivate yourself, ask someone to do it, but don’t sit there every day crying there like the world is ending, because it’s not.
2. Feel the pain, but measure how and when you feel it.
If you let yourself mourn this every single minute of every single day then you woill never heal, because you turn into a victim of the circumstances. Cry for 15 minutes, but after that get up and go to work or school or whatever you’re supposed to do. Yes, grieving is important, but so is the rest of your life and your achievements.
3. Put the relationship into perspective a.k.a see both the good and the bad sides of it
Don’t allow yourself to get stuck in the circle of overthinking about the good times. It’s not helpful. There is always an equilibrium in life. The good and the bad coexist. That’s how it happens in relationships, as well. Yes, it’s easier to focus only on the good stuff and ignore the problems. When you see only the half-full part of the glass you can’t understand why the breakup had to happen. That’s why you are unable to move on. Put things into perspective. See the best and the worst parts of the relationship. Don’t just minimize the problems, because those were the reasons why it ended in the first place.
4. Take full responsibility, but only for the part you played in the relationship and not the other person
In every relationship, there are two people involved, which means two parts are responsible for it, not just you. Acknowledge your part, but don’t make a relationship only about you. If it doesn’t work out it’s not just your fault, trust me.
5. Get the other person off the pedestal
You are not perfect. The other person is not perfect. Right now, in the position where you are, you have the tendency to make them be this amazing person and you ….just this not good enough human being unable to keep his or her lover. It’s not like that. You are not worthless and it’s not just your fault, so stop looking up at the object of your attraction. You ignore the person that they are and create this fantasy of who you want them to be just because you can’t accept the truth – things changed and you two are not together anymore. They broke up with you and yes, they did this which means that they are not as madly in love with you as you like to think.
6. Embrace change with all your heart
I know it’s hard, but try to focus on growth. Try to focus on the person that you want to be. Focus on you, what you like and enjoy. Make progress in your life. Go places, meet new people, do something meaningful every day and sooner or later the pain will subside.
7. Learn from the past to build a better future.
Take this as an experience. A chance to be better. Maybe this was exactly what you needed for your future relationship or the future you who will be so much more amazing than you ever were in the past.
8. Enjoy and practice art if it soothes your pain
For instance, I like to write, because it makes me feel more alive and it soothes my pain and insecurity, but whatever it is that you enjoy about art – music, drawing, sculpture – now it’s your time to create. You are full of inspiration when you are in pain.
9. Stay present
Meditation helps to calm down your thoughts. Breathing exercises and relaxation techniques are highly recommended. The present moment is all that matters right now. There is no past and future. You live now. Make every single day count.
10. Love yourself even at your worst
Create a space for compassion and acceptance in your heart when you feel at your lowest point. You are amazing just as you are. Emotions will come and go. Treat them with kindness and compassion. They are here to teach you how to be more loving.
11. Look at inspirational people who have succeeded despite their adversities.
This helps you see that you are not a victim of your circumstances. What happens to you doesn’t even matter, what matters is what you choose to do with it. Kesha was sexually abused. Oprah Winfrey as well. Robert Downey Junior was in prison. There are a lot of examples and I could come up with an entire list. That’s not the point. The point is you are not a victim, take your life into your hands and show the world what you’ve got.
12. Destroy and rebuild.
Get rid of what you don’t like anymore by accepting those parts. Develop healthier patterns of relating to others. For instance, if you are the type of person who screams and makes crises learn to be calm. If you are a drama queen, learn to worry less. If you tend to lose yourself in relationships, become more independent and confident.
13. Listen to music, slam poetry or read books.
Find things that make you relate to other humans and feel less alone. It truly helps a lot to ease that feeling of loneliness.
14. Talk to other people
This is a crucial point when you need connection and the advice of other people. Don’t isolate. I know it feels like a good idea, but it’s not. Do the opposite of what you feel. Go out, talk to others and have fun. If you talk about the break up, the healing will be easier.
15. See the patterns in your family and don’t repeat them if they are unhealthy
This relates to number 12 about building healthier ways of relating to others. If there is something  about realtionships that you did not like in your family, start to be aware of it in yourself. Children learn through immitation, so start being conscious in order to become a better partner. Furthermore, build a better relationship with yourself and learn how to be your best friend.
16. Realize that love is not a one time experience
You will fall in love again and this time it will be healthier. If you clear the baggage of your past, you will make room for better people to come into your life. Yes, you will fall in love again and this time it will be different because you will bring all the lessons from your past to the table.
 17. Let go of fear.
Go with the love. Don’t let fear rule your life. Feel it, but become bigger than that and let yourself be vulnerable and feel all the emotions.
18. Let go of the concepts such as, ”moving on’’ or, ”getting over it’’
They keep you stuck in the future. Focus on living now and making each moment count, because the big achievements are made by taking a few steps each day.
19. Be grateful for what you have been given
It’s okay to not appreciate your family, friends, your food because you always had them, but there are people out there who don’t. So, just be grateful for everything life has to offer. See heartbreak as an opportunity, a blessing instead of a curse.

These were my thoughts on getting over heartbreak. I hope you found it helpful.

Whatever happens, just remember – you are not alone no matter how you feel. As long as you are human you will inevitably feel pain, no one can protect you from that. What you choose to do with it is completely up to you. My advice: always choose to do good.

Note: I’ll leave you with some quotes to reflect on:

“I think we should redefine the word tragedy as: that which is impossible to get over.” – Jared Singer

’’I don’t believe in God, but I do believe in miracles.’’ – Jared Singer

’’Whatever you’re feeling right now, there’s a mathematical certainty that someone else is feeling the exact same thing.’’ – Neil Hilborn

’’Love how you hate yourself sometimes, cause at least there’s still something to hate.’’ – Neil Hilborn

Lots of love,
Mădă

On Judgement

“For those who think they know everything about me
For those calling me names, belittling me, criticizing my choices
For those who don’t see beneath the surface
For those who like to judge based on appearances
For those who make me feel like I’m not good enough
For those accusing me of their own suffering
For those who don’t know my story
Thank you.”

I learned that my life is my life and that is nobody else’s business. As long as I stay true to myself, have integrity and remain proud of who I am, I don’t apologize for my behaviour. Excuse me, yeah, you, Mr. Perfect who does not exist, please judge me (sarcastic tone).
Honestly, I don’t think that anyone in this world has ever lived without making mistakes, but somehow we like to judge people based on theirs. We don’t look at our lives, our stories, our actions and see how they affected others. No. We like to point fingers and judge. Throw rocks. Destroy good character. Gosh, what’s wrong with the world we are living in? Where are compassion and acceptance? Where is the understanding? Ultimately, where is love? I am extremely disappointed when I look around and see people taking sides, creating wars with others, judging and being harsh. What is even more sad is that the real war is not with others, but within themselves. Most of the time we judge the parts we don’t accept in ourselves, the parts we reject, the wounds we are too afraid to heal. Yes, I did it too. I know how it’s like to be at war with your flaws, but guess what? We all are. Being unhappy gives you neither the right nor the authority to throw rocks at other people. Moreover, we are hurt because of us, not because of them. Our distorted way of seeing the world is causing us pain, not other people. Until we own this truth, until we own our part we can never make the world a better place. We would forever be stuck in the blaming game and yes, it’s such a great place to be – so comfortable – but nothing grows there. No inspiring person has ever become better by being a victim of their circumstances and yes, I do have examples. Oprah Winfrey was sexually abused. Robert Downey Junior was in prison. So, please, don’t excuse your pain by blaming it on the outside circumstance. Just own it and with it the harsh judgement you do with yourself, before giving your opinion about things you know nothing about.

No, I do not hate you for your pain, world. I do not hate you for throwing it back at me. I thank you because it is indeed a blessing. I accept those who did me wrong, because I know I’m not perfect either. This is just a wake up call to think twice before you act, before you speak, before you judge someone based on appearances. Try to learn their story first, their upbringing, their hardships and most importantly their point of view. After that, you can form an opinion. After you know all this and truly listen to understand it’s impossible to judge anything anymore, because you start to feel empathy and understanding. So, yes. Take your veil off your eyes and become more human. Get in touch with your heart. I’m not saying to fall for manipulation or attention seeking, those are completely different things. I’m just saying to listen carefully to what someone has to say and really let the words resonate with your soul. We’ll never have a better world if we would keep on throwing rocks at each other. Keep repeating the cycle of pain and unhappiness. One change at a time, one little action and maybe we can be better people. That must start with us. We can’t let others be responsible, but we can take the problem into our own hands and set an example: ’’accept people completely with their good and bad sides because nobody is perfect’’.

Last note: for those being judged

I know you feel guilty. You feel like you did something wrong. Keep calm, most of the time it’s not even about you, but about the parts of others, they couldn’t accept within themselves. So, they just threw rocks instead. You’re not perfect, you’re human and yes, you make mistakes. As long as you can live with your choices, love and accept yourself unconditionally and try to be better forget about what others say because you are amazing just as you are.

Lots of love,
Mada

 

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