Lost and found

 

I’ve been running away so much that I forgot what it’s like to stand still. I forgot what it’s like to listen to myself and my own voice. I abandoned myself, in the hopes of living a ’’good’’ life in the eyes of society….but a good life does not suit me. Honestly, I don’t even know where my place is because I cannot fit in anywhere. I feel all the structures I’ve been building up collapsing, one after the other….and I’m sad, so sad. I have no place to go, except my loneliness, except barriers that I’ve been making up inside my mind. My only problem is that I cannot live a mundane life just like other people. I cannot just have fun and forget how others are suffering because it breaks my heart. My only problem is that I’m honest in a world where everybody prefers to lie and hide behind masks after masks. I cannot pretend I am somebody I’m not. I don’t have all the answers and there are days when I feel like I don’t deserve the best of things. There are days when I don’t want to get out of bed. I just want to lay there and do nothing because I feel sad. There are days when I hate everybody and I just want to be alone. There are days when I hate my life….but there are also days when I am happy because I spend my time with amazing people who inspire me to be the best. There are days when my smile is wider than my tears and I believe in sunlight and waves and poetry…and something beyond myself that looks after me. There are days when I love the world so much that my heart just breaks because of its suffering. There are days when I believe in beauty because I see it. I see good people who want to help others, I see people recovering from mental illness, I see forgiveness, I see hope and my heart beats louder in those moments before it turns to gold. I thought that I needed to be perfect to reach people, to sit somewhere on a throne, like a queen looking down upon the world, but lately, I’m discovering that only imperfection can truly touch others. My mind just lied to myself when it set the goal of perfection. All I want is to to be real and human and not have it all figure it out. To be me. Especially now that I feel as if my life is a flight to no destination because I’m still trying to understand what I want out of it. I guess the only answer that comes to mind is this – I want to see my dream come true, that’s what I’m fighting for – a world in which people see with their hearts, not only with their eyes.

Hugs,

Mădă

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Cannot fit in? You were born to stand out!

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Dear Society,

Thank you for making me not fit in. I hated my status for a while. I thought that I was definitely not good enough for the role that you gave me. I thought that going against your rules was something bad and unkind, something that I shouldn’t do. So I kept my mouth shut. I denied my truth and tried to go with the mold but that made me see myself as broken, wrong and crazy, just because I was feeling inside my heart all the injustice of this world. I took a hard blow and I was on the ground because your structures and your lies almost deceived me. When I got back up, I looked around and saw other people walking with their eyes closed, denying their own truth, just as I was.

Now I cannot do this anymore. I cannot keep my eyes closed when others are hurting. I cannot just shrug it off and pretend it’s not happening. I’m seeing hurt people every day and it just cuts my heart wide open. I want to do something about it, to find a way to serve.

Lately, I found out that I haven’t been concerned with the mundane, but rather with the thirst of changing the world. Most of the time I say to myself that I will change something about this world. I believe that with all my heart. For each person, I touch I change something because every person is a world within themselves.

I know you’ve told me that there’s no place in here for people like me. That’s mostly a lie. There is enough place for everyone. I can make my way through the crowd while at the same time paving my own path. Brick by brick. Stone by stone. You lied to me. You betrayed and deceived my trust. So I have one last message for you, dear society:

’’ Thank you for making me feel inadequate. I’ll be forever grateful for that. You’ve just shown me that I cannot accept a road filled with pain and misery. I can only settle for happiness and inspiring others to bring out their best selves. Thank you for making me feel crazy, but let me tell you a secret – the great ones always are. Please smile as your old structures are falling down. ’’

Lots of love,

Mada

 

Teach me to be real

My teacher told me “Love yourself”
“I don’t know how”, I answered
“I don’t know how to love something I hate
I was never taught that.
But instead, I heard all about World War 2
How Hitler killed those jews
I heard about crusades
How people hurt themselves
All in God’s name,
I know why the geography map became different
With each new battle won
‘Cause people wanted to shape it
In their own form.
I know that pretty well
School taught me how to excel
In failing at life, I swear.
In psychology, I read from a book
But when my classmate committed suicide I was kaput
I did not know how to react
Oops, I was never taught that.
2+2 is always 4, never 5-1
‘Cause I was supposed to dim my own shine.
To fit perfectly in boxes made to keep my glow
Not let it show
Every answer to a creativity test was a “no”
And if you wanna know
Mistakes are made from snow
But in school, there’s no winter
So just let it go.
“Love yourself”, you know?
You want me to do it?
Then teach me something else
Teach me how to ace, in life, not just in tests
Don’t just tell me the way I should feel
Teach me to be real.

Follow your heart and fly

 

Image source: http://www.favim.com

 

Recently, I came to this conclusion – there are people who will never understand you. No matter how big you want to dream and expand your wings some will only want to crush them. Leave. Like a bird who leaves her nest. Fly. No matter what that would mean. If flying implies letting go of the old, if flying implies beginning a new life, please do it. Please dream. Your dreams are here for a reason. They are here to be materialized. Your heart wants to escape its cage, so open the door. Be a bird. Be a free person with a loving heart.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

I believe in people’s dreams. I believe in a better world, but please understand that not everyone will. Some might not have experienced something more than their own limited box. Some people live in fear. I just ask you to have empathy because if you are a bird, like me, you will be hurt. Beautiful birds will always get shot by the arrows of this society and they will bleed. It’s alright. Get back up and become stronger, fight better, fight wiser and make this about yourself. Set your intention to love and see the best in people. At the end of the day, birds are quite beautiful. They are here to change something.

Lots of love,

Mădă

Settle for love, not for less

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’’If it breaks your heart then do something about it.’’ – Glennon Doyle Melton

All around me I see women who don’t deem themselves worthy of the love they so deeply desire and it just breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that we live in a society that has put heartless men on a pedestal, giving them the right to steal our joy, our happiness and distorting the view of our entire body. I have a huge problem with that, so I choose to speak up on behalf of any woman who has felt unheard, unseen and undervalued for being herself.

I understand you, lady, I understand you…and if your voice matters to nobody, well then, it matters to me. I’m sick of this heartless society who makes men always right and woman crazy. This is not about feminism. This is about equality. I’m a huge fan of that by the way, equality I mean. I believe in differences and I respect them. I honor the fact that guys are rational and can put things into perspective, but our society has been based way too much on that. Look where our rationality has brought us – to war. We have minds, but we have no hearts. We have money, but we have no happiness. We have superficial relationships and no idea how to build genuine connections….but apparently, if we speak our minds about that we are the crazy women. If the world is falling apart we are still crazy for feeling ’’way too much’’.

‘’Don’t be oversensitive.’’

’’Why do you have to care so much about that?’’

Well, because that’s how people end up killing themselves ‚’cause nobody wants to do something about it. We all wash our hands, pass the blame to the next person in line and say it’s not my business. If your friend is in a coffin tomorrow and you put your part aside in helping him/ her that suddenly becomes your business, right?

Woman are crazy for feeling everything that is twisted up with this damn world, but men are entitled to be jerks and not have to feel anything. We are the crazy ones, right? If a guy has no respect for a woman and treats her like crap and she feels like something is wrong in her relationship she is oversensitive. Guys, just stop for a minute okay? Feeling things does not make you crazy it makes you different. It makes you beautiful. Us, women have Everest Mountain hearts and we are so giving and loving and nice to people, but then we end up hurt because somehow this world has given men entitlement to treat us the way they want without us saying anything. It gives right to men to rob us of our beautiful bodies and treat us like objects…because  we are objects, not human beings. We don’t matter unless we do what we are told. Men can step out of line and not be put in check, but women are crazy. Nobody thinks there is something wrong with the world for allowing something so evil to continue? Nobody thinks that heartless men walking on Earth can damage our world beyond repairing? I think they can and in fact, they are already doing that. I have seen so many beautiful and smart woman caged in relationships with guys that are damaging to them. I’ve seen women with big dreams, huge hearts and hope for a better future stuck in a place with a guy that has no idea how to appreciate them. That uses them as objects, undervalues them, criticizing their opinion and basically destroying everything they are made of…and those women keep these relationships because they think that is all they deserve – pain and heartbreak. This society has taught us, women, that we deserve pain served on a daily basis, with abuse on top of that. This society has destroyed our sense of self-worth. This is the harsh truth. I am unspeakably mad about that.

What I think we need to do is step up and take our confidence back. Open up our hearts. Speak our truths. Love our bodies. Believe in ourselves. We are not crazy, we are the way we are for a reason and if a man is not wise enough to see the amazing person that we are, well then, that man needs to go out the door and bolt it shut behind him. He has no place in our lives. He deserves no space in our hearts and minds and spirit and above all else in our bodies. This man does not understand what it means to love a woman and that is his problem. I believe that we took away so many of our men’s problems and made them about us when in fact it was all about them, to begin with.

He is an alcoholic? His problem.

He likes to flirt with every girl? His problem.

He criticizes others? His problem.

We don’t have to make it about us when it’s not and we don’t have to save him. That is not our job. Our job is o take care of ourselves. If a man cannot appreciate who we are at the core then he doesn’t deserve to look us in the eye anymore. No heartless man who chooses a life of objectifying women and diminishing their self-worth has respect from my part. In fact, those are not even men, those are boys who never grew up to know what is like to love a woman. A strong man doesn’t use mind games to trick girls. A strong man states his opinions clearly and never leaves you in a state of confusion. A strong man has a heart an is vulnerable…and feels a lot because he knows that feelings are a weapon, not a disability. Moreover, a strong man doesn’t have to spend every night in a bar because he knows that he can process his feelings and be okay the next day. A strong man values vulnerability, human connections, speaks his truth and wants to make this world a better place. That is the man every woman deserves but in order to achieve that you need to learn to be a woman and respect yourself. Not settle for confusion, mind games and lies. Settle only for love.

Huge hugs,

Mădă