Dislocarea sufletului de prezent

Sursa imaginii: youtube.com

 

A nu fi prezent înseamnă să îți disloci sufletul de realitate, să îți lași rănile să se vindece fără a le integra în ceva universal. Să le permiți cicatricilor să respire fără a le iubi. A nu fi prezent e echivalent cu a muri în fiecare zi când tu consideri că trăiești. Astfel îți pierzi viața, paradoxal chiar trăind-o. A nu fi prezent înseamnă moarte spirituală. Lipsa prezenței distruge posibilitatea de a trăi viața așa cum e ea – plină de aventură, mister, incertitudine, iubire, pace și durere. Un cumul de emoții. A nu fi prezent te îndepărtează fără să vrei de aceste lucruri și indirect de Dumnezeu, fiindcă îmbrățișarea  momentului actual face diferența dintre un om vulnerabil care își acceptă imperfecțiunile și o păpușă manipulată de exterior. Prezența ne deschide inima, pe când acțiunile inconștiente și mecanismele de apărare o închid. Lucrurile bune se transformă în armuri care determină narcisism, iar apoi răzbunare pe toți cei care ies de sub bula noastră de control. Prezența ne schimbă, pe când trecutul ne ține în zona de confort. Prezența iubește, inconștiența sădește ură în oameni. Prezența oferă libertate, inconștiența manipulează și fură din ea. Prezența, la fel ca și dragostea, atinge graduri înalte ale existenței, având o dimensiune transcendentă. Alături de omul prezent vei găsi întotdeauna adevăr, înțelegere și înțelepciune. Vei fi inspirat. Vei simți ca și cum te întorci în sfârșit acasă după un drum lung, după o călătorie spirituală în care ai rătăcit mult prea mult pe poteci închise, pline de întuneric. Casa ta e acum făurită din porți de suflet, din lumină strălucitoare, aur și multă dragoste. Porțile sunt făcute din bucăți imperfecte, iar nucleul casei e identitatea ta pe care acum ai regăsit-o.

Cu multă dragoste,

Mădă

P.S: Pentru cei care își doresc să aprofundeze mai mult această temă recomand cartea ,,Puterea Prezentului” scrisă de Eckhart Tolle, precum și următorul filmuleț:

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Voice

Voice.
No voice.
They took away my voice.
I took it back.

What Ballet Taught Me About Life

 

’’Some people see pain. I see beauty.’’

Update: I wrote this a while ago, but I got to publish it only now. Truth is I still resonate with almost every word in it and I didn’t want to modify a thing, although I had to give up ballet due to medical reasons. Dancing is still alive in my heart and I do it from time to time. Ballet has opened a new world from me and I want to give it back its praise. So thank you, thank you for everything. This is to you – beautiful art – and to my teacher, Oana, because she will always be my teacher and my friend.

If there’s one thing I believe is this – ’’art unites us’’. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a kid or an adult. Whenever you see a drawing, a picture, a photograph or a piece of writing you just stay still. Your emotions are pouring out from all your edges and you just feel touched in the deepest parts of your soul. Today I want to talk about the kind of art that makes my soul flutter – dancing. I’ve learned so many lessons in those 3 months since I started ballet and I became another person altogether. I was taught about love, forgiveness, friendship, happiness, pain, but most importantly I uncovered who I really am at heart – an artist. That’s the reason why I wanted to share with you a piece of my soul. This is for you, reader, to scan my mind and draw the conclusions for yourself. Enjoy 🙂

You can love others through art

Our life is awfully short. Just a blink of an eye and it’s gone. In spite of that when it comes to art you feel like your human experience lasts longer because you connect with something deeper. You connect with yourself and your own wisdom. You begin to unravel the vulnerable parts of your being. You connect with the wisdom of your body…and even though people say there is no forever and everything is constantly changing, I tend to disagree. I create my own forever whenever I move my feet. My heart and my love last forever, because that’s the way I know how to love people – through my art.

Your body speaks a language of itself

This comes from the girl who hated her body for most of her life. I’ve been so out of it, so dissociated from my own human experience in this skin. I always called it ‚’’this cage of skin’’…as if instead of a time my body was a prison in which I was locked….but ever since I’ve taken up dancing I began to listen to my body’s voice…and I was astonished to discover that my body is speaking a language of itself…and it can create stories from dust, just with some simple moves.

Limits are just an illusion of perception

I know I’m not the most flexible girl and I’ve always been told that I cannot dance, that I suck at listening to music, that I would never be good enough in this field. Sometimes I doubt myself when I listen to my inner critic, but despite all of that I get up every single morning, I stretch and I dance. I don’t do this just to brag about it. I do this because I love it because my soul is pulsating under my bones and I feel the need to rise my feet from the ground. I know there are girls more talented than me, but I put 110% percent of my presence in the dance and in the workout. It’s like there is no space between myself, the music and the dance. We become one. We morph into the same entity because limits are just an illusion of perception.

Let emotions flow like waves

I’m 21. Still young, I know. At 21 I’m on the road towards finding myself and one thing I know for sure is that I love telling stories. I love drawing. I love writing…and I love dancing. Dancing is as closest to me as my notebooks…and trust me, there’s nothing I love more in this world than the pen and the paper. I discovered that just like in writing, dancing is about emotions and expressing yourself. It’s about the feelings you have inside your heart and how you let them flow through your body. Just like waves. Dancing helps me draw a picture of life, not with words, but with feelings…and moves.

Be creative

I love ballet, but the goal of dancing, at least for me is telling a story through my body. I don’t know whether this is against the structure of ballet (still trying to figure it out), but this is how I feel. I always thought that ballet is cold and heartless, but as I am doing more and more of it I am starting to see that everything is not about perfection and structures, but rather about emotions and showing that to other people. What I discovered is that I love to mix contemporary dance with ballet. It gives me the opportunity to be creative…and there is nothing else an artist hates more than following cold structures.

My teacher – a model and a friend

I have an amazing teacher. She is a model for me because she is not only a ballet teacher but also a friend. She inspires me to be a better person and work hard every day while at the same time using my soul in order to dance. She just proved to this world that impossible things don’t exist as long as you work hard for it and believe in your dreams. I remember one of the first things she said when I met her ‚’’all you need in order to do ballet is something that we all have – a soul for it.’’ I’ve seen women in their 50’s doing ballet and being flexible and defying all odds because they believed in their dreams….and I know that Oana believes in us, that’s why I admire her. Moreover, she always inspires each one of the girls with her words and I do not wish to have a better teacher because she is the best. She is perfect in her own imperfections. She is vulnerable and true to herself and that’s why I admire her and everything she does for us.

The value of friendship

There is one thing I learned that really encompassed everything – the value of friendship. It was amazing to meet so many like-minded people in the same room. To see what others are artists and dreamers and just as emotion-like as me. I feel like I finally belong somewhere and every time I see the girls my eyes just light up because I love them. They make me feel seen and heard and understood..and I know I am. In ballet, I can always be vulnerable, but it’s not just about the dance. It’s about forgiveness and connection and love. We go way beyond the dance because our souls are in it…and nothing can fight a soul that is determined to conquer the world.

I have to admit there are still a lot of things I have yet to learn about my body, dancing, forgiveness and true friendship…but I think I am on the road towards discovering who I really am as a person and at this moment I define myself as an artist, a misfit, a writer and most importantly – a young dancer.
Lots of love,
Mădă

 

Idealisation from my heart

 

I love you

And I know that this is my emptiness talking,

I know that this is a rock-bottom kind of thing,

I cry and when I say I cried I mean I shivered under my skin,

My insides twisting out….

I love you,

But something needs to change

And I cannot live a life in which I fall in love with the potential of a man,

I want to fall in love with you

Flaws and all.

 I’m burning

Your arms – the place where I collect the ash

While you collect my heart

In a jar,

Cold on a winter night.

Remember when we stayed on that park bench?

You said I’m the one who will bring back the summer,

I disagreed.

I told you about my sweetest song

The one I always heard behind the beatings of my lifeline, crushing gut instincts

“I love you

I leave you

For me these two phrases are synonyms.”

You looked at me with “please, don’t hurt me” kinda eyes

While your lips spoke the words of another woman,

And your skin tasted like hers.

This time I did not listen to your words,

I listened to silence…..

Because I loved you…but I self-loved myself to death.

Lost and found

 

I’ve been running away so much that I forgot what it’s like to stand still. I forgot what it’s like to listen to myself and my own voice. I abandoned myself, in the hopes of living a ’’good’’ life in the eyes of society….but a good life does not suit me. Honestly, I don’t even know where my place is because I cannot fit in anywhere. I feel all the structures I’ve been building up collapsing, one after the other….and I’m sad, so sad. I have no place to go, except my loneliness, except barriers that I’ve been making up inside my mind. My only problem is that I cannot live a mundane life just like other people. I cannot just have fun and forget how others are suffering because it breaks my heart. My only problem is that I’m honest in a world where everybody prefers to lie and hide behind masks after masks. I cannot pretend I am somebody I’m not. I don’t have all the answers and there are days when I feel like I don’t deserve the best of things. There are days when I don’t want to get out of bed. I just want to lay there and do nothing because I feel sad. There are days when I hate everybody and I just want to be alone. There are days when I hate my life….but there are also days when I am happy because I spend my time with amazing people who inspire me to be the best. There are days when my smile is wider than my tears and I believe in sunlight and waves and poetry…and something beyond myself that looks after me. There are days when I love the world so much that my heart just breaks because of its suffering. There are days when I believe in beauty because I see it. I see good people who want to help others, I see people recovering from mental illness, I see forgiveness, I see hope and my heart beats louder in those moments before it turns to gold. I thought that I needed to be perfect to reach people, to sit somewhere on a throne, like a queen looking down upon the world, but lately, I’m discovering that only imperfection can truly touch others. My mind just lied to myself when it set the goal of perfection. All I want is to to be real and human and not have it all figure it out. To be me. Especially now that I feel as if my life is a flight to no destination because I’m still trying to understand what I want out of it. I guess the only answer that comes to mind is this – I want to see my dream come true, that’s what I’m fighting for – a world in which people see with their hearts, not only with their eyes.

Hugs,

Mădă