Be ready to pay the price

’’Be ready to pay the price of your success and you will be free.’’

Honouring your pain is not easy but there are advantages if you can do it. Healing after a break-up might be a long process, but there is healing, indeed. If you are used to running away, denying or avoiding your feelings then a break-up might be exactly what you need. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating for the destruction of relationships. I’m just saying that you can find opportunities even when you feel pain or in my case if you go through a break-up. Why am I implying this? Well, simply because heartbreaks create spaces for us. Spaces in which you learn that you don’t really have 100% control over your life. Spaces in which you get in touch with your feelings at a much deeper level than you ever did before. Spaces in which you learn about self-love. In these places of turmoil and extreme grief lies our true power to change and become the person we’ve always wanted to be. Wherever there are huge setbacks there are great opportunities coming o our ways. Don’t let it pass you by, make the most of it. Maybe you needed time to reflect on the things that needed changing, so life said ‚’’take this pain and make something out of it’’. Only you can choose what you will do with the opportunities that you have been given. You can either rise above them or just sit back and watch how your amazing life passes by. To make myself more clear, here’s an analogy:

When you start to write you never know where the story is going. There might be this clear picture inside your head about the story, but as you start to write, get the words out there in the world, the story becomes different and sooner or later you discovered something else. The blank pages were filled with thoughts and ideas you never knew you were having in the first place. What if life is just like that? You need to let it unfold, see where it takes you, although is away from your perfect image. There are things you have no control over such as illness or natural disasters. Sometimes you can’t change what happens to you, but you can define your life and who you want to be, especially when you’re in pain. You can let it destroy you or build you up. At the end of the day, you choose to limit yourself or live the life of your dreams. Do you want happiness? Be ready to handle the pain, the fear, the anger and the heartbreak that comes along with it. Be ready to pay the price for your success and you will be free.

Lots of love,

Mădă

 

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Another chapter of your life

You tried. No, I don’t mean you simply tried. You gave your best, you cried yourself to sleep, you hoped for a miracle, you changed yourself, you destroyed your happiness – tried. If you did everything you could, everything that was in your power and it still didn’t pay off I think it’s time to let it go. It might be extremely painful, but sometimes this is the only option. When it’s all said and done, when there are no other solutions, you should have the courage to look in the mirror, sigh and start over – another chapter of your life. I know that it meant a lot to you, I know that what you fought for was considered 100% worth it and I’m not here to say that it wasn’t. I’m just here to say that maybe there is another lesson to learn, maybe there is another path you should walk on and new people to meet. I understand that giving up is scary, that forgetting someone you loved is the most painful thing you could ever do, but there are circumstances in life when you don’t decide. There are moments when your hands are tied and all you can do is sit and wait. Yes, love is beautiful, love is magical and love is worth it, but sometimes love does not solve all the problems in the world. Sometimes no matter how much you love someone they might never want to become their best versions of themselves, they might never see their mistakes and it might never work out between you two.

I’m not the type of girl who gives up, believe me, but I think that life can teach us many lessons and one of them is this– know when to let go in order to be happy, because if you don’t you’ll be miserable. I see the best in others, I see their light even when they are in complete darkness, but I can’t live their life and choose on their behalf. Sometimes, I can only do so much but watch how someone is hurting, how destruction is taking place. Maybe, just maybe what I see as destruction another person sees as an opportunity and it’s all a matter of perspective.

To sum up, know when to let go if you want to be happy no matter how much you care. Truth is, you never truly loose people, they are always there with you, in a special place called your heart.

Lots of love,

Queen of Hearts

 

Replacement

I used to love the air you breathed

Wanting to be closer and closer to get another inhale

Another grasp of the drug called love

But now only smoke remained,

You walked a path too strange for me to know the steps

And I laid wide awake in bed wondering if you ever loved me,

If I ever meant something to you, at least for one second

Because for me our romance was timeless and spaceless,

Something between a smile and a tear falling down my cheek,

Losing you became second nature,

Losing you became my defense mechanism

When my chest locked itself up, lying to the people I truly loved

Because I never wanted them in the first place,

Those unavailable men with girlfriends and fucked up lives…

I wanted you….

And I searched endlessly for a replacement

Hoping that maybe this time someone would be just like you:

Hamster face and teddy bear smile

Wanting to come and see me at 2 a.m in the morning

Grenade exploding at my doorstep when I never even expected it

And a goodbye that leaves every piece of my heart shattered on the floor.

No, those men were never you

They couldn’t be.

No one even came close

And this is not wishful thinking,

This is real.

I got so sick that I couldn’t even whisper the right words,

My voice was taken out of me

My defense mechanisms fell

And I missed you so badly that a panic attack became my escape route

Depression – my best friend.

I got lost in searching for someone else to fill the void in my heart

When all along I was actually looking for you,

Or at least a temporary band-aid to ease the pain of my boyfriend being gone forever

Of the word “us” being destroyed by the lies we told ourselves.

I guess you know how the story ends

If you like tarot cards

The Hanged Man, always keeping me in midair

Leaving me here, drowning and sick of my life

Hating my existence because I’m forced to live it without you,

And no, I’m not implying that you’re the love of my life

I’m just saying that moving on is not possible for me right now

Because I search for you in everyone I see

Your sweet words, face features,

Kindness, understanding, and compassion.

I search for the you that once was real with me….

But now is nothing more than an illusion carried away by the quicksand

Banging on my door to open up and be its slave.

It makes me cry – the past I mean

Because it was a beautiful romance

And just the thought of you made me happy at some point

But now your words cut deep into my skin

Knives that you never knew you could use to hurt me

But you did.

Now I’m stuck here, between the chambers of my rusty existence

Writing, hoping that this would change

And it hurts every little part of my body to see how happy you are with someone else

When I know how much you’ll always mean to me…

And how impossible it would be to find a replacement.

Even more beautiful

The world did not change and neither did the lights around me

I was still surrounded by darkness

Choking myself, trying to find a way to breathe

Making my way through the tears falling down my cheeks

The chest wound bleeding itself out until it was nothing left but pain…and an underlying sense of calmness.

The voices in my head echoing louder and louder with each passing second

“It’s over…it’s over….it’s over”

I kept imagining how I was closing a book that kept me stuck for almost a year and a half

And I was not sad, not really

Just bitter-sweet, nostalgic, because I remembered all the moments in between the beginning and the end, which you figured out it was now.

Those little things in the middle made a season of my life glow with lights

Those little memories – our first kiss, walking hand in hand after school, laughing at jokes no one else would ever understand but us

Planning a future together, watching movies,

Whispering words like “baby”, “honey”, “teddy bear” and “hamster”

Spending days and hours on end talking on the phone

Hoping for the best and putting the stars in the sky because we loved to dream about happiness….

And then the decline…

Fights, ups and downs, criticism, betrayal

Tears, alcohol, disappointment, pain, a lot of pain

Break-up, no talking, talking again

Then…finally the split…

My decision to move on….and quiet…

Just the wind blowing outside, the rain washing away my pain

The silence comforting me with its sweet embrace.

It’s been almost a month without you and it was hard….

To accept that everything happens for a reason.

I loved you so much and I really wanted to believe in a shooting star, a miracle,

A place to call home inside your arms….

Until up to this point I did want to believe in change, in an uncertain future…

But I know that living for tomorrow would take away today

And being stuck in something that “it’s over” is not helping anyone….

So…I have to let it go….

Because they say you never truly care about people until you set them free

And I don’t want to keep you in a cage if you’re a bird that wants to fly away from me…

It’s over….

And I’m sorry for holding on to this for so long that I forgot to stand on my own two feet without thinking that the world would crumble

It’s truly the end….and my heart did not stop beating like I thought it would

I did not cease to exist in the universe, I did not die….

I kept living and hoping and dreaming and changing

But above all else, I kept loving….

‘Cause writing the end at the bottom of a story would never make it less important….

But even more beautiful….

 

I wish I had known sooner…

Hello dear readers,

I want to apologize for not posting anything for a while but I’m in a period of my life when I’m healing things regarding my past. Since I am constantly analyzing and processing my thoughts, my actions and my emotions I made some breakthroughs regarding myself as a human being. I feel like I’m becoming the person I really want to be around and I love that. To celebrate everything I would like to share with you some of the lessons I learned while going through this process. These are things I wish I had known sooner. It would have helped me avoid a lot of unnecessary stress, but I guess that experience is the best teacher, after all. Here we go:

  1. The past can hurt and so can the present if we always dream about tomorrow and forget today

I read all the times how important it is to make peace with your past and I agree with that. Not everyone had the childhood they desired or the most amazing parents …but there are moments in life when we don’t fight with what we had but with what we have. We are not accepting the present because we are always striving for different things rather than be grateful for what we have. We dream about the future and forget to live now, day by day, minute by minute.

  1. You are not all-knowing, we are all learning here

Pride is an emotion that we tend to feel when we imagine ourselves as all-knowing because we read a lot or did tons of research on a certain topic. It happens to me sometimes. The truth is, we can never know everything and it’s okay to still get it wrong from time to time. It’s okay to admit that you can never be an expert, just a student who is constantly learning and bettering at something.

  1. Accept your responsibility, blaming others doesn’t help you

Sometimes we feel a lot of anger towards someone – for what they did to us and what they could have done differently. We say to ourselves ’’they should have known better” , but we tend to forget that everyone is human and flawed. Well, people don’t know everything and they can’t read your mind. If you don’t tell them what you need, sometimes you just don’t get it. People are different, there are no two persons alike on this planet…so don’t expect others to know your thoughts and feelings. You don’t know theirs. A  person may have done something that made you feel sad and you can never turn back time, but there is one thing you can do – accept your responsibility for what happened. As I said before nobody is perfect and neither are you. When you see the part you played in creating the situation it is harder to point fingers at others since you know you were an active part in the whole story.

  1. Loving yourself is not selfish, is healthy

A lot of us feel like loving ourselves is something wrong and weird. It seems unnatural, but the truth is that we need to start being gentle and proud of who we are. It’s okay to hug yourself and just do things for you. The depth of the love you gave away to others was all along yours and you neglected the person who would be there for you for the rest of your life and guess what – that’s YOU. So, loving yourself is one of the kindest decision you can make. It also helps others When you become better, you show those around you more love and compassion.

  1. Meditation is helpful

It’s scientifically proven that meditation has many benefits when it comes to our physical and emotional well-being. I won’t go into that, but if you are interested there are articles available online and you can find more information. Personally, it helped me become more relaxed and feel better about my body. My emotions became easier to process, even the ones that are not really pleasant to feel like fear, disappointment, anger, and guilt. It was easier to process my thoughts and accept them, but also to see the consequences of my actions and accept my imperfections. This might not have solved all my existential crises but it certainly made me arrive at a point where I could see things more clearly.

  1. Details matter

The sun shines through our window in the morning, people smile when we walk past them, the light reflects on the pavement at night – these are all little things that can brighten our day and make us appreciate life more. Always pay attention, you can never know when something amazing is just around the corner.

  1. Listen to people

This one applies especially to relationships, all kinds of relationships. We are so caught up in wanting to change someone, in wanting things to be different that we ignore the other person. If we are honest with ourselves, more often than not we don’t really care about others. We want our needs to be met.  We desire our ideas so badly that we forget to appreciate the other person for who they really are. Listen to people, they know what they want.

  1. Pain, heartbreak, and failure are stepping-stones for success

It’s hard to accept failure and drawbacks in life and be grateful for them, but nobody talks about the happy times when they are at the top. They talk about their struggles. Remember that.

  1. You teach others how to treat you. Teach them well.

If you don’t set boundaries and don’t love yourself enough to walk away when things are painful, then don’t expect others not to walk all over you. Having standards is not about being selfish, is about respecting yourself enough to know when it’s time for you to go. Don’t let others treat you like badly. Love and respect yourself enough to know what you deserve and stick with it.

  1. My reality is not your reality

I get caught up in my way of perceiving the world from time to time. I have to remember that what I see is only a part of the whole story and I never know someone else’s point of view unless I ask. Don’t assume that you have all the answers. There are some situations in life when you are only left with questions. We all see reality differently and I think it’s high time we embrace that.

This is what I had to say for today. I hope this helps somebody.

P.S: If you are struggling with anything right now, I want you to know that you’re not alone and there is always help available no matter how hopeless things may seem right now.

P.S 2: The picture I attached to this post signifies hope – the light at the end of the darkness. Maybe you would find it as inspiring as I do.

Lots of love,

Queen of Hearts

 

 

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