A wonderful experience: 2014

Hey, dear readers. I have been thinking about doing this kind of post for a while now and…here I am, writing, haha.

First of all, I want to say a huge ‘thank you’ to everyone. Without you, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I changed a lot and I know a part of the changing process has to do with this blog. So yeah, thanks for everything.

Secondly, I am aware of the fact that it took some time to find the writing style which best suits me and I think this is what 2014 has taught me: to be true to myself and always, always write how I feel. No exceptions. Later is better than never, I guess.

Thirdly, this year has been full of twists and turns for me. Apart from my blog I have a special notebook from a dear friend in which I write personal stories or thoughts. Today I want to share some of them with you. Along with that I want to show you some inspiring photos.This is my gift to you, hope you all enjoy it.

So here we go:

“Writing is my cure…”

“I want to feel broken and fixed at the same time.”

“I want my illusion back. I want my friends back. I want my life back. I don’t want to crumble on the floor until my heart empties. I don’t want to be left behind and I don’t want things to change, but they have to. Even if it drains the last piece of my soul.”

“You know how it is with the good choices…they never feel right at all.”

“She wanted to feel whole, but she was simply empty.”

“It was so easier to write, because a piece of paper couldn’t judge you. It just understood.”

“This boy was still a mystery that she hoped she one day could solve.”

She went from broken to healed, from pain to happiness, from tears to joy and from jealousy to freedom.”

“Love has no expectations, no conditions, nothing. Only good intentions.”

“I don’t want to break your heart, I just want you to know that there’s someone out there who cares about fixing it.”

“‘Cause baby your kiss could melt all this snow.”

In the end, I wish you a happy new year. I hope all your wishes will come true and that you will smile no matter how hard life gets. May your journey be hard so that you will know it is worth it.

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2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,400 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 23 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Personal reflection on my heart

Dear reader,

I want to say that this reflection was supposed to be something entirely different, but I changed my mind due to a series of events. The original should have been a cute story, but I feel I should do this instead. I can’t write something I don’t feel. Sorry.

A few months ago I wrote something that sounds like this: “Never put your worth, your feelings, or your heart into people, because in the end you will be left with nothing but yourself.”

The truth is, I don’t believe it anymore. I changed, I grew up, I became wiser, better, but my life was never rainbows and flowers. I had some rough times. Frankly, I am writing this to show people around me who are always complaining that they have it worse, that my life is always sunshine and no rain that in order to be where I am today I cried I don’t know how many days and nights, hours and hours and I thought the suffering was never going to end. I wanted to be dead, just dead, to live everything behind and disappear. It may seem sad, but it is the truth. Now, let’s start with the beginning.

My problem is, I always love too much and dive too deep. When I was in 9th grade, I was such a foolish kid, I didn’t even know what love was ,and ,of course, I got hurt. I found my worth in someone who I thought that loved me, but that was far from the truth. I don’t want to give more details so that I won’t hurt anybody. After more than half a year of caring for that person, someone told me the truth. I wished for revenge more than I wished for my life. It took some time to understand that this is not the solution. My wound was bleeding…but instead of letting it heal, I put a bandage over it. I started to be attached to someone else, without knowing him. Happily, I was given the chance to meet him and we became quite good friends. He was my bandage, I just stayed and watched how he suffered because he loved someone else.

Time passed. What I learned from this experience was that sometimes friendship can be stronger than love. A boy can bound two girls together in a powerful way and that if a guy treats you badly after he finds out that you love him that means he is not the sweet, gentle person you imagined. More than that, people change and you have to get used to it, some will leave your life and you have to let them go. Others will stick by your side. Some make mistakes while trying to help you. And everything is okay.

How did I learn this?Crying many hours, days, nights..Being lied to, treated like I meant nothing, and I still gave him all my bruised heart. I found my worth in someone who, even today, accuses me of taking away his chance of happiness. And guess what? I’m not guilty at all.

Time passes. My wounds are still open and bleeding, but do I want to let them? No. I am too afraid to be left alone…so I find a bandage in the person who was always beside me, during good and bad times, especially. We were together, but it was not that sweet relationship where everything was sunshine. No. It was an on and off relationship and he didn’t love me at all. This is my opinion, now. I didn’t know it then, I was madly in love. The first time in my life when I was truly in love. And I had my first kiss. So beautiful…yeah, I can’t deny, there were some good parts to all of this, but mostly, I got hurt. The illusion was too strong to see through at that point in my life.

After the break up all my bandages were cut. My three wounds where wide open and strongly bleeding all over the place. That was the moment I realised what I had done. I had nothing: no love for myself, no path to take. I was completely lost, thrown in a maze called reality from where I just wanted to escape. My best friend said that I was depressed and I guess I was. Luckily, I had people all around me who helped, who stopped me from doing something stupid. And from all that pain, I started to build a mask. Everyone saw that I was happy, while I was dying inside…and I felt alone with no one who could understand me. I felt dead like it was no point to my life anymore. I know this sounds scary, but I lived through all of this…and I survived.

I started to change. I did a good job at school and broke the limits I set for myself, but still I was sad. Even though I realised that my writing style changed completely I still felt worthless. I used to be that girl who looked up to some of my classmates, because the way I wrote was never good enough, deep enough, beautiful enough. It never touched people. Well, now it did. My teachers saw it and they were impressed. I wrote my first story in English…a sad one, of course.

Still, with all these achievements, I felt empty. One of my friends suggested me to make a blog and I hesitated…but then, I thought that it could be a great idea. I would be the different one from my group, after all. The blogger.

I started to feel better when I wrote. It helped me to release all those feelings, it lifted a weight from my heart. I had everything I ever wanted…but a piece of me was lost forever and I knew it. The girl I used to be ceased to exist. The girl from the past.

Time flew by and I was healed. It didn’t happen fast, it was the slowest process I’ve ever known..and the most heartbreaking one. Once it was over, I was someone else entirely, someone who appreciated happiness more than before.

I was changed completely. I understood that I can’t fill someone’s glass if mine is empty. I understood what love is:” Love is never about wanting to keep someone caged next to you if they don’t want to stay.Love is about freedom and wanting the best for the person you care about even though you are not what’s the best for them. This is love.”

The second thing I understood is that only when I love myself I can do the same for someone else, only when I am happy I can make someone else happy. If not, I will be a burden for the person next to me. I will lose my way when I love them. But if I already have a road and I value myself ,then no matter who comes and goes from my life I will always be able to count on me. I will always win.

I also learned that wounds need to heal. No matter how painful it may seem, you should never put a band-aid over a wound, because when you take it down it will bleed more than before. It is always hard to do this, because it hurts. We are used to covering everything up, hiding what we feel when we are hurt, because we believe that no one will understand us.This is just in our minds, most people do.

Finally, I became aware of the fact that the person I used to be no longer exists. The depressed one, the sad one, the girl who put all her worth in others , who thought that a boy would change her life. That girl is gone. I feel pity for her, because the one writing now is the happiest girl alive, the sensitive one, the girl who loves without expecting anything in return. Most important, the girl who accepts her past even though she hates it.

This is my heart, this is my personal reflection. If you think you have it easy, if you think you’re the only one who is suffering, you’re not. I still get some flashbacks from my long gone past and it hurts. If you want to know me, you have to know my past. Without it, I am nothing. Maybe I hate it, but I can’t deny it. It taught me what I needed in the hard way and I am thankful for that. The easy way is not always the right one. Not for me.

Finally, the most important thing I learned is that everyone who lives a happy life at some point went through a storm. Only after the rain comes the rainbow. Everytime you think you’re alone, you’re not. Maybe you suffer today or tomorrow or for the next few months, but one day it will be over and you will remember the beauty of it. You will see the change in your personality, in your heart and you will smile, because you went through the darkness and saw the light. Because you are a fighter, like I am.

With love,

The girl who screw everything up

Wish you were there

Who said fairy tales are dead? I can assure you they aren’t. But what do we all love about these stories? I believe they tell us the truth, that the world is a magical place, full of happy endings and wonders. Why did we forget about this once we grow up?

Certainly, some of my friends didn’t. They made a video related to fairy tales where children have the power to bring their favourite characters  to the real world. I hope I caught your attention, now let’s start from the beginning.

Four main characters, Flynn Rider from Tangled, Red Riding Hood, Alice, the hunter, a magical book, some children and a pretty sleepy grandpa. That’s how it all started. Flynn stole a special artifact that was meant to hold the fairytale world together. This, and the children’s wish to bring Alice, Flynn and Red Riding Hood to our world. The background is so enchanted, the effects fit perfectly each scene and they are well placed to show the wonderful world of fairy tales.

Unfortunately, the stolen artifact attracts a hunter from another dimension who wants to catch Flynn. They all run and when Alice discovers what Flynn did….plot twist. The children change the main story. This is how we are shown how special the book is. The story is changed plenty of times until the grandpa falls asleep. The kids are too curious, destroying the book, and the characters have to face their own faith…

Sorry to spoil the story, but I felt it needed explaining.

In my opinion, it is worth watching. It pictures unexpected turns of events and even the innocence of childhood. The magic of that age, the bliss, the beauty and the fights. It’s like a black & white of childhood if you look close enough. Furthermore, the other part is about the special book, which takes us into the fairytale world, where we can float high to the sky and enjoy the story of our four main characters: Flynn, Alice, Red Riding Hood and the hunter. Of course, with its twists and turns, but beautiful compelling scenery. It also gives us a feeling of joy and bounds us to reminisce about the lost times of childhood.

All of this was filmed in 3 days with Nikon Coolpix P500, edited with Sony Vegas Pro 12. For effects, the application used is called FixGuru. Also, my friends encourage everybody to give them a feedback regarding their work. Nobody is perfect, the goal is to grow together. If you are interested in their further projects, make sure to subscribe. Feel free to check their other videos if you want.

Here it goes, I hope you enjoy it, because I did:

 

A honest letter

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “The Language of Things.”

Dear V,

I love you. If you want to know how much just count the stars which are shining at night.I think what I feel for you can’t be described in words.That’s why I would use 5 things to make you understand how deeply I care for you.

Last night I put my mp4 on play and fell asleep with my headphones tangled in my hair.You have no idea how much I love music, but I feel like telling you this story. My mp4 is just like my best friend, always there for me and close to my heart. It knows my hidden secrets and all my heartbeats. I know it’s hard for you to imagine this, but it’s the truth. You know what? My mp4 is the closest thing to my heart, just like you.
remember the book I sent you? The one called “Dear John”? Well, my love for you is pretty much like John’s for Savannah. He sacrificed his happiness for her. I want you to know that I would never hesitate to do that for you. Your happiness is more important than my own. If you want to know further details, just read the book.
Another book that really made me cry was “The Best of Me” and I do believe it should be worth you attention. It is similar to the one I talked above, the same idea of love, but emphasized with a bitter-sweet ending. In case you will ever read it, just think about this: ”I gave you the best of me…I gave you my heart.”

I know how much you love photography and the best thing I could compare you with is actually a camera. A professional one, maybe even your favourite. When you take pictures you capture the essence of life and emotions. Maybe we do the same thing, but in different ways: I write, you take pictures. I can’t find something more appropriate for your personality than a camera…hope you don’t mind. 🙂

Lastly, the closest things to my heart are pen and paper. Without them, I wouldn’t write beautiful poems or amazing stories. It’s pretty much like my friendship with you. Remember how you always encouraged me to show off with my blog? That one time when you shared one of my stories on Facebook? I felt appreciated. Not only then, but every time you read something that I wrote, you congratulate me. To be blunt, pen and paper are for me as important as you are. They are as vital as the air I inhale and exhale everyday.

Well, I said everything it was to be said. If some subject remained uncovered, do excuse my forgetting. I have no idea why I am telling you all of this. I know you don’t feel the same, but it’s fine. In the end I want to share with you something that I wrote a few weeks ago when I felt down and guilty for loving you so much:

“He cared about the other girl,

Because that girl would always be.

Smarter, greater, more beautiful

 And there she was just being:

   Simple, happy, friendly and sweet,

     Like all of it mattered at all.

…………………………..
Yeah, maybe the other girl would always be better

But it is one thing she would never be:

She would never be her.”

V, I love you…. and I don’t care if you don’t as long as you’re happy.

Best wishes,
A writer

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