Personal reflection on my heart

Dear reader,

I want to say that this reflection was supposed to be something entirely different, but I changed my mind due to a series of events. The original should have been a cute story, but I feel I should do this instead. I can’t write something I don’t feel. Sorry.

A few months ago I wrote something that sounds like this: “Never put your worth, your feelings, or your heart into people, because in the end you will be left with nothing but yourself.”

The truth is, I don’t believe it anymore. I changed, I grew up, I became wiser, better, but my life was never rainbows and flowers. I had some rough times. Frankly, I am writing this to show people around me who are always complaining that they have it worse, that my life is always sunshine and no rain that in order to be where I am today I cried I don’t know how many days and nights, hours and hours and I thought the suffering was never going to end. I wanted to be dead, just dead, to live everything behind and disappear. It may seem sad, but it is the truth. Now, let’s start with the beginning.

My problem is, I always love too much and dive too deep. When I was in 9th grade, I was such a foolish kid, I didn’t even know what love was ,and ,of course, I got hurt. I found my worth in someone who I thought that loved me, but that was far from the truth. I don’t want to give more details so that I won’t hurt anybody. After more than half a year of caring for that person, someone told me the truth. I wished for revenge more than I wished for my life. It took some time to understand that this is not the solution. My wound was bleeding…but instead of letting it heal, I put a bandage over it. I started to be attached to someone else, without knowing him. Happily, I was given the chance to meet him and we became quite good friends. He was my bandage, I just stayed and watched how he suffered because he loved someone else.

Time passed. What I learned from this experience was that sometimes friendship can be stronger than love. A boy can bound two girls together in a powerful way and that if a guy treats you badly after he finds out that you love him that means he is not the sweet, gentle person you imagined. More than that, people change and you have to get used to it, some will leave your life and you have to let them go. Others will stick by your side. Some make mistakes while trying to help you. And everything is okay.

How did I learn this?Crying many hours, days, nights..Being lied to, treated like I meant nothing, and I still gave him all my bruised heart. I found my worth in someone who, even today, accuses me of taking away his chance of happiness. And guess what? I’m not guilty at all.

Time passes. My wounds are still open and bleeding, but do I want to let them? No. I am too afraid to be left alone…so I find a bandage in the person who was always beside me, during good and bad times, especially. We were together, but it was not that sweet relationship where everything was sunshine. No. It was an on and off relationship and he didn’t love me at all. This is my opinion, now. I didn’t know it then, I was madly in love. The first time in my life when I was truly in love. And I had my first kiss. So beautiful…yeah, I can’t deny, there were some good parts to all of this, but mostly, I got hurt. The illusion was too strong to see through at that point in my life.

After the break up all my bandages were cut. My three wounds where wide open and strongly bleeding all over the place. That was the moment I realised what I had done. I had nothing: no love for myself, no path to take. I was completely lost, thrown in a maze called reality from where I just wanted to escape. My best friend said that I was depressed and I guess I was. Luckily, I had people all around me who helped, who stopped me from doing something stupid. And from all that pain, I started to build a mask. Everyone saw that I was happy, while I was dying inside…and I felt alone with no one who could understand me. I felt dead like it was no point to my life anymore. I know this sounds scary, but I lived through all of this…and I survived.

I started to change. I did a good job at school and broke the limits I set for myself, but still I was sad. Even though I realised that my writing style changed completely I still felt worthless. I used to be that girl who looked up to some of my classmates, because the way I wrote was never good enough, deep enough, beautiful enough. It never touched people. Well, now it did. My teachers saw it and they were impressed. I wrote my first story in English…a sad one, of course.

Still, with all these achievements, I felt empty. One of my friends suggested me to make a blog and I hesitated…but then, I thought that it could be a great idea. I would be the different one from my group, after all. The blogger.

I started to feel better when I wrote. It helped me to release all those feelings, it lifted a weight from my heart. I had everything I ever wanted…but a piece of me was lost forever and I knew it. The girl I used to be ceased to exist. The girl from the past.

Time flew by and I was healed. It didn’t happen fast, it was the slowest process I’ve ever known..and the most heartbreaking one. Once it was over, I was someone else entirely, someone who appreciated happiness more than before.

I was changed completely. I understood that I can’t fill someone’s glass if mine is empty. I understood what love is:” Love is never about wanting to keep someone caged next to you if they don’t want to stay.Love is about freedom and wanting the best for the person you care about even though you are not what’s the best for them. This is love.”

The second thing I understood is that only when I love myself I can do the same for someone else, only when I am happy I can make someone else happy. If not, I will be a burden for the person next to me. I will lose my way when I love them. But if I already have a road and I value myself ,then no matter who comes and goes from my life I will always be able to count on me. I will always win.

I also learned that wounds need to heal. No matter how painful it may seem, you should never put a band-aid over a wound, because when you take it down it will bleed more than before. It is always hard to do this, because it hurts. We are used to covering everything up, hiding what we feel when we are hurt, because we believe that no one will understand us.This is just in our minds, most people do.

Finally, I became aware of the fact that the person I used to be no longer exists. The depressed one, the sad one, the girl who put all her worth in others , who thought that a boy would change her life. That girl is gone. I feel pity for her, because the one writing now is the happiest girl alive, the sensitive one, the girl who loves without expecting anything in return. Most important, the girl who accepts her past even though she hates it.

This is my heart, this is my personal reflection. If you think you have it easy, if you think you’re the only one who is suffering, you’re not. I still get some flashbacks from my long gone past and it hurts. If you want to know me, you have to know my past. Without it, I am nothing. Maybe I hate it, but I can’t deny it. It taught me what I needed in the hard way and I am thankful for that. The easy way is not always the right one. Not for me.

Finally, the most important thing I learned is that everyone who lives a happy life at some point went through a storm. Only after the rain comes the rainbow. Everytime you think you’re alone, you’re not. Maybe you suffer today or tomorrow or for the next few months, but one day it will be over and you will remember the beauty of it. You will see the change in your personality, in your heart and you will smile, because you went through the darkness and saw the light. Because you are a fighter, like I am.

With love,

The girl who screw everything up

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