Posted in Writings

Gentle

I was so mad I swear I was about to punch him. He looked at me so defiant and full of himself like he knew everything that is to be known. At that point I thought ‘Damn you. Do you think you know everything? You don’t know a single damn thing about me.’
How could I not be sick of it? He was so calm and all while I was here, trying to make sense of my own feelings. I was so guilty and he was just pushing my buttons.
‘Let’s not fight, please’, he said with pleading eyes. It almost melted my heart, but I tried to be as cold as I could.
‘Fine. I will be mad, I won’t tell you why and then we will pretend like nothing ever happened at all. Deal?’, I said harshly, staring intently into his eyes. It was more like wanting to intimidate him than to reassure myself that the words were true.
‘Okay. I agree with you.’, he smiled nonchalantly.
‘Perfect. See? Problem solved.’, I said as detached as I could. Only I knew what I was feeling inside..
‘Okay’, he said again.
‘Are you happy now?’, I asked in a sarcastic tone.
‘Yes, I am.’
Tears welled up in my eyes and I tried to brush them away. I wasn’t happy at all, but I had to keep it all together. He was waiting for an answer. I turned my head towards the desk, which was on my right, and a tear ran down my cheek. I hoped he couldn’t see it. Then, I turned around and faced him.
‘Well…then I am happy , too,’ I half-lied.
‘Okay’, he winked unexpectedly.
I was really taken aback, but he made me smile.
‘If you keep on saying Okay we will fight. This is not The Fault in Our Stars.’
‘Okay’, and he laughed so hard while I was staring at him, then said:’Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. So…now we’re serious..’
‘No’, I was trying to say while laughing. I couldn’t stop it. It was so funny. ‘We’re not. You make me laugh’, I said happily. How could I be mad anymore? He was so sweet.
‘Damn you’, I put my hands on his chest like trying to push him away from me. Obviously, he was stronger and my gesture was just for show.
‘You don’t even let me to be mad at all’ , I said with sparkling eyes and a wide smile.
He looked at me intently, but didn’t reply.
‘I will tell the police about this, you know?’, I warned sarcastically.
‘No, you won’t’, he said jokingly.
‘They won’t hurt you. They don’t want to mess with God..’
He laughed so hard that I felt his muscles tensing and relaxing under my hands. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do, but his answer saved me. I got lost in my thoughts and didn’t notice when he stopped laughing.
‘You’re funny, you know?’
Of course I did. I wanted to make him laugh, too. Payback.
‘If you don’t let me be sad…’, I said so victimized and looked at him with a puppy-eyed expression. It worked. His ego was boosted enough.
‘I know. I’m so good at this,’ he said full of himself. So confident.
‘You’re so modest. And so good at this…’, I said like I was a damsel in distress, needing his protection against the big bad dragon, but I just played his game to make him feel good.
‘Hmmm…Thank you’, and he smiled so wide that I could see his teeth. His eyes had been staring into mine for so long that I forgot my hands were on his chest. This time I really felt bad about this game I tried to play and I said honestly:
‘Why do you like to make me feel better?’
‘Because you’re my friend’, he said it with such an emotion that it brought me back to reality. I took my hands away and placed them on my sides.
‘I’m sorry…for…’, I wanted to say ‘for touching your chest, but I blushed and the words didn’t come out. Of course, he understood what I meant.
‘It’s fine. Don’t worry’, he blushed, too.
‘You’re so sweet. Thank you for making me feel better.’
I expected him to reply, but instead he hugged me. Until I realised what really happened my head was on his chest and I could smell his perfume. It was so masculine that it made him seem strong. I have no idea what I felt, but his arms were all around me and my ear heard his heart beating under his T-shirt. The hug was tighter and tighter and I felt so good about it. Then, I sensed his muscles tensing and he said:
‘You’re welcome.’
That was it. My heart just melted at the sound of his voice…while his remained untouchable. How good am I at screwing things up? I should be mad, but he made me laugh. I wanted to desperately tell him everything, that he knew me better than anyone else, but no words came out of my mouth..and I just melted in his warm hug. His whisper brought me back to life:
‘Do you want me to be happy?’, he paused…to emphasize what was coming next. ‘I want you to be happy, too.’
A shiver went through my body when I heard his words and I forgot about the world for a while, abandoning myself completely in his loving embrace.
*based on a true story*

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"You can tell yourself that you would be willing to lose everything you have in order to get something you want. But it’s a catch-22: all of those things that you’re willing to lose are what make you recognizable. Lose them, and you’ve lost yourself."— Jodi Picoult

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