Posted in Poetry

Out of Touch, Out of Mind

You’re right in front of me and I can’t touch you, oh, sweet, echo slightly painful; the red-coloured notebook faded to black and its colours became numbed by the darkness of the day. Funny, isn’t it? The world is one thing today and tomorrow.. you can never know if there is even the next day.. so, make the best of it today. Out of touch, out of mind, oh, sweet notebook, you’re right in front of me and I can’t touch you. Your pages are full of stories which sometimes I want to erase but if I do that, then what’s left of me? Yeah, too much philosophy. The little cat is smiling with shining eyes at me and I can’t even dare to set her free. I can’t open the notebook. Too many illusions are written in there, I don’t want to be haunted by past ghosts without a care. Yet, still, I suffer. The need to write is too strong for me to resist it, I want to open it and read it and throw it. It’s all my heart in there after all. How stupid to put your life between some mere pages; Why did I ever do it? I remember: because they can’t judge you. Thinking it over, turning the notebook again and again in my hands I realised there is not only one heart in there but many souls that I stole without others permission or acknowledgement. You, soul thief, where was your permission? Lost in some kind of mission, unaware of what you were about to do. Unaware that someone loves you, too. Many hearts, souls, dreams, regrets and heartbreaks. I don’t want to see again how I felt in my moments of despair, of hatred towards you. I don’t wanna touch you, hear you, see you. I don’t wanna know you. I wanna forget you. You’re right in front of me and I can’t touch you. I can’t love you. I can’t have you. I simply can’t. I miss you like crazy every day and probably you have no idea how I feel or what I say but it’s simply just okay. Darling, you’re far away and I am here but somehow you’re closer in my soul even though I have to let you go. I want to turn these pages into pieces, destroying every trace but with this I don’t get grace. I get darkness. Freedom, freedom I hear it every day, a vow I swear to keep no matter if I’m sinking deep. As I was staying there alone and probably forgotten I understood that I was talking with my own heart and it was telling me that things are fine and everything will be alright. You’re right in front of me and I can’t touch you. Even if I could I wouldn’t let myself to. I’m sorry that I hurt you but there’s something you need to understand: you can’t truly get love if you don’t have pain. I’m sorry that you think you’re hurting me but I’m not broken, I am free. I can’t love you in a cage but I can kiss you in the rain. Kidding, I won’t do that. Sweetheart, there’s no way in changing someone’s feelings and you shouldn’t want to because there’s no way in stopping my affection for you. You’re right in front of me and I can’t touch, distance doesn’t get you and my heart doesn’t take you. You’re never there when I need you and you never talk to me when I want to. You don’t really listen to me anyway. So.. what’s the point of loving you? I don’t know how my notebook opened suddenly and tragically. The words written: Freedom. I got you now, I got the answer but still it doesn’t make me miss you less, it makes me miss you more. You’re right in front of me and I can’t touch you, my heart screams ‘i love you’ with freedom. How bitter-sweet to care about someone like this. The person you want to talk to usually never does but it’s okay, because that’s what freedom does. It’s just sad to know that I gave my best to see you happy and you don’t even appreciate it. You don’t even ask for me. I did everything and you? Nothing. That’s why I’m waiting to see. You’re right in front of me and I can’t touch you. Oh sweet, little notebook let me open you because that’s what is left of me. The stories, the feelings and your company. The pages are amazing, some tears ran down my cheeks and I became to understand why people think I’m good enough and why I should love you no matter what. You’re far away and I can’t touch you but I don’t want to. Freedom means loving without wanting to. All my glory you ignored it but I wish you the best because you’re somehow better than the rest. I love you, I miss you and you know it. But the thought of freedom makes all of this go. I hope you’re kinda happy while thinking about her.

Advertisements

Author:

"You can tell yourself that you would be willing to lose everything you have in order to get something you want. But it’s a catch-22: all of those things that you’re willing to lose are what make you recognizable. Lose them, and you’ve lost yourself."— Jodi Picoult

2 thoughts on “Out of Touch, Out of Mind

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s