Posted in Writings

Empty

If you haven’t read the first part, it is here: https://myhappinessisanallegory.wordpress.com/2015/06/16/change-of-mind-change-of-style/

It will make much more sense. 🙂

You hang out with your friends and they don’t see you differently. They don’t know anything that’s happening with you. They are nice people, but you can’t say a word because you don’t want to be a burden for anyone. When no one notices you stare into empty space. You feel like a fake person, putting up a mask to make people happy. You feel like you don’t have a choice, anyway.

When you are alone at home you numb your pain in whatever way you can. Drinking alcohol. Cutting yourself. Taking a pill.

Your favourite way of coping is sleeping. You cry endlessly until you eventually fall asleep. You wish you wouldn’t wake up in the morning anymore…but you do.

‘Can’t everything just end?’, the voice in your head whispers.

You don’t want to be in this place full of heartache where you see your blood running down your body from the countless times when you cut your skin with the razor. It feels so good. For a while, it stops the suffering….just to make it come later. Even stronger.

You know this is where you belong. This is where unworthy. unloved persons end up.

You may think that you’re not dead yet. You’re still alive, but it doesn’t make much difference. You actually believe that death would be less crueller than living half-empty. Being an actor every single day. Smiling in front of people and then crying yourself many hours just because you’re a coward.

You really start to have thoughts about letting all go for good. Then, something changes. You make a bet. A bet with yourself that it’s going to change your life forever….and you are willing to die to find the answer to your question…. as you have nothing more to lose.

To be continued….

 

 

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Author:

"You can tell yourself that you would be willing to lose everything you have in order to get something you want. But it’s a catch-22: all of those things that you’re willing to lose are what make you recognizable. Lose them, and you’ve lost yourself."— Jodi Picoult

4 thoughts on “Empty

  1. I feel that instead of feeling like a coward, anyone having to put on a socially acceptable ‘mask’ to hide their inner feelings should consider how brave they are in doing so, and acknowledge the inner strength such a feat demands. It takes a lot of courage to face others, when that last thing you want to do is be with people, and it’s exhausting.

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