I miss you

I missed the sunlight, and the rain on my skin, the wind in my hair; I missed it all. I missed the way I used to love you so fiercely and the way you used to smile at me. I missed our jokes and late night conversations. So sweet. So kind. I missed the guy who was right in front of me , because I know that, in my eyes, a piece of him died, a flash of his eyes became lost somewhere between the distance and the pain. I missed my friend who cheered me up whenever I was sad. I missed the boy who once said that he missed me so much. I missed it all so badly….and I want him back. I missed talking to him about the girl he was madly in love with, staying there and giving him advice even though every piece of my heart was breaking. I missed the guy whose eyes I loved so much that I got lost in my “perfection”. I missed that person you used to be, although I know you never changed. I was the one who did. Probably, after all of this, I guess I missed myself, too. The person I used to be. I know I can’t go back to the past, but sometimes it’s hard not to hear the scars of blood written on your heart. I know I missed you more than you will ever miss me in your life, but I still did. I know I did a lot of mistakes. I know I had written so many stories and letters that I will never send to you. I know that caring too much can damage my health, but if there is one thing I did right was that I loved you….and it changed me. Where once was night, now is dawn. Do you know what rips my heart out? It’s the fact that my love is unconditional. To keep someone in a cage is easy. To give someone freedom is the hardest thing you can ever do. I think I never understood what love was like, but I  know now. If giving someone the freedom of choice despite what you want it’s not love, then I don’t know what love is and I take the blame for that. I will miss you when you go away, even though you triggered the pain that was all along inside me. I am the writer who always knows what to say and when to say it, but now I am at lack of words…because I simply, love, you. Probably my tears can explain it better than my words ever will. I’m not sad. I’m happy. It’s just….I miss my friend, in a sweet, weird way….and I don’t see what’s wrong with that. I don’t see what’s wrong with loving you. I don’t see what’s wrong with feeling what I’m feeling even though it’s not mutual. You can’t take that away from me. I miss you a lot regardless if you do or don’t. I wish the best for you whatever that is.


Queen of Hearts


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