Have you ever hit rock bottom? It’s in the moment when you just think that enough is enough and you are wondering what happened to the old little you. It’s in the moment when you just feel that you completely lost yourself and you want to get back to the old you…and you can’t, because right now you’re a different person.
That’s what happened to me a few days ago. I went somewhere and I was looking at everybody around me, at the room I was in, at the walls and I felt like I didn’t belong. I felt like the old little me stepped on another territory and that I shouldn’t have done that.
Sometimes, we make compromises for people that we care about and it took me a while to realise that when you compromise too much you tend to lose yourself. You tend to become someone who you don’t agree with…and most importantly: to become a boring person. That’s what I call rock bottom.
When I came home I realised that everything that meant “me” was lost, because I simply didn’t stand up for what I believed in. I made way too much compromises for people who would never compromise anything for me or at least not at this point. I think that we all make mistakes and there’s no escaping that, but it’s only when you cry and your tears are falling down and you feel like you had enough, like you lost every single piece that made you unique, that’s when you realise how special you are. No one is like you. No one. No one can speak like you. Think like you. No one can even smile like you, because we are all different in some way or another.
Do you know what I think? I’m sick of thinking if I say this or that or whatever someone will judge me, because they will do it anyway, so I should be true to myself then. Yes, I like to write. Yes, I like meditation. Yes, I like psychology a lot… and yes, I like to learn new things all the time and if that’s not enough for someone then that someone is not enough for me. I don’t want to become someone I don’t like just to please others, because then everyone would be happy except the only person that matters for me, which is myself.
I’m not a copy. I am me…and I’ll choose me all over again, because I am amazing. I know that no matter how amazing I am, there would still be people who would never like me...and that’s fine. I already have some awesome friends who deeply care about how I feel and respect me for who I am. That’s the thing: they love me for me. People love you for you, not for wanting to be someone else. Human beings don’t look up to copies. They look up to those who stand up from the crowd, to those who speak their mind and dare to make a change, to those who challenge the status que. I truly think that this is what we don’t understand. We don’t understand how much others love our crazy side, our vulnerability, our kindness and our compassion. We don’t realise how much people need us for being us and not someone else entirely.
Sometimes we feel like we would never be good enough for others, but we are enough. We have always been enough from the moment we decided to truly be ourselves. We try to be like him and like her and then like them just to fit in when in fact we are born to stand out. It hurt me badly when it hit me that those people value me for being true to myself and not for being someone else. I wanted so much to be someone else, because I was never “enough”, but I don’t want that anymore. I don’t even want to make any more compromises which lead me to more pain than gain. I love and respect myself more than that….because now I know that if I round my edges to fit in a box, I lose myself….and I don’t want to pay that price. In the end, myself is all I’m left with and I really want to spend my life smiling and saying how I feel no matter who disagrees with me.
If someone doesn’t like me the way I am, they should just deal with it. It’s simply not my problem. I’m all about improving yourself all the time, but there is a difference between trying to be a better person and trying to be someone you’re not. Stepping over your heart, your boundaries and your principles.
Keep a note to yourself, darling: Next time you try to be like someone else, just remember that there are so many people in your life who love you for being you and not anyone else, because if they didn’t they would just love the other person instead.
Lots of love,
Queen of Hearts