I do love you. It’s just that I’m mad….and I don’t know who I’m mad with more. You or me. I realize that I’m the one to blame because I stayed alone at that table, but I didn’t want to spend time with anyone but you. I know it sounds selfish, probably is, in a way…..but I really missed you.Maybe you didn’t miss me all that much…and that’s why you wanted to spend time with other people. Now that I’m sitting here, crying and writing these words, I realize that a void is forming in my chest. I could have stayed in the other city, come home another time. I could have refused to come to the party. I could have found someone to talk to last night. I could have done a lot of things differently, but the truth is that I didn’t. The sum of my choices led me to this point….and that’s my fault….because they were my choices and no one else’s. You made your own decisions and I made mine, but I guess the two of them didn’t sync. They were just like us – different….and I guess you can’t expect to see two people, with different life experiences, upbringing and perception of the world to feel or think the same thing. That’s nonsense. I get it. We can’t be the same, but that shouldn’t be the problem as long as we communicate our views. Maybe the problem is not us, but what we don’t say, what we believe the other knows and understands. No, he doesn’t. Nobody reads minds. Period. That’s why we need to be clear and say all the time what we think or feel. Not avoid it. It’s the only way we can solve problems or better, not create them. Most of the time, we don’t even have problems,but we like to create them, to make them up, so that we can feel better about ourselves. Protect our little box where the ego lies….but in fact, this is a toxic thing. We shouldn’t do this. We should live happily ever after. That’s the thing – we make up our worst demons and then complain when they haunt us. Only when we realize that they aren’t real, that they are only illusions made up by our minds we can fight with them. First of all, we need to know the threat and only then start to choose a weapon. Unless you have clarity over a situation you can’t do anything except from staring into the darkness and wait for it to envelop you. We need to be strong in face of adversity. But most of all, we need a world in which people see things clearly and understand their problems. A world in which there are less stupid reasons of break up, divorce, killing others and so on. We need to wake up once and for all and realize when we are irrational or driven by impulses. But most of all, we need to talk, for God’s sake, because if we keep things bottled up they will eventually explode and destroy our beautiful world. And those things , my friends, those things which can save us a lot of tears and fights are called – talking, listening and making a compromise. I think we should all learn to introduce those in our daily lives. Like a practice…or a routine. There is one little thing called forgiving that should be included in this habit as well. Let’s be honest, no one is perfect…and if you consider yourself to be, then you are fooling yourself. You can be whoever you want to be, but above all things, you are human and flawed. Deal with it. Forgive others because you have been forgiven as well…and maybe, sometimes you didn’t even deserve it….but other people considered that you did.
Lots of love,
Queen of Hearts