I am my future

I grew up telling myself that I wasn’t good enough,

That I wasn’t beautiful.

These words echoed through my head

Like monsters waiting to rape me of my skin

And then leave me all alone, crying with my back against the wall…

For decades these words haunted me

Like they were storms living in my bones, my soul…and my heart,

Like they were a tsunami hitting the shore,

Destroying everything in its path.

Until one day when everything changed….

That was the day that I met you.

You showed me that I was more than just my scars and my past

That I could also be my future.

You taught me how to love myself because you told me that I was beautiful…

And I believed in rainy days, fragility,

Late night conversations,

In sunshine and flowers blooming all around.

I believed in you and I believed in love

Because my life was beautiful and I was too.

One day you decided that I was not enough for you,

Packed your bags and left,

Without looking back.

It broke my heart for a while

But then I realised that I was lucky…

Because I could sit down with myself

Realising that I was beautiful

Even without a man in my life.

My heart and thighs were made of space

Waiting to be filled inside,

But I was more than just an object,

I was pain, blue sky, sunrise,

I was love

Because I loved myself more than I ever loved anyone else…

And I realised that you were right,

I could see that so clearly now

When I know that I’m not just my past,

I am also my future.



Hope for the best

“I have a hurricane inside my heart
And only you can save me
The person who broke it down into pieces.

I have worlds inside my head
Scars under my skin
And ice is living in my bones.
Only you know about them because I told you
A secret shared between two lovers
Who take a sip of coffee on a rainy day.”

The only home I ever known was inside your arms
But you chose to move away, somewhere else
Somewhere sunny…where you can be with other girls
Go to parties and have fun
While I was left here to cry alone in a corner
To build cages out of my chest
And lock myself inside of them,
To hear everyone’s opinion on the way I should live my life
When I didn’t know what was best for me…

All I’ve ever known was that your kiss was my safe place
And now I’m forced to live without it…
Because I don’t matter to you anymore,
Not in that way…
And the sad thing is that at some point we promised each other
“No matter what I’ll love you forever”
So funny, like we knew what forever even means….

I realised recently that you can never keep all your promises,
Some are meant to be broken
In order to move on with your life.

All I know is that you broke up with me
And that it’s over
And I can’t be fixed the same way you sew a doll
Or put a bandage over a bleeding wound…
To fix me would mean to fix life itself
And we both know that’s not possible
Because humans haven’t figured out a way 
To love without getting hurt….or being left behind…
We just figured a way of living without our best friends
And those we love the most….
Because that’s what we’re supposed to do right?
Learn to move on, fly up high like beautiful birds…
Hoping that we won’t crush our wings in the fall.

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