Subjectivity, saved by proclivity

Drown in philosophy

Don’t waste your time on mundane sensitivity

The destination is your infinity.

Suffering is inefficiency

My only aim is rationality

Emotions only destroy me

‘Cause I’m feeling it completely

The affection of agony

This madness is keeping me company.

Destination is my infinity

When I drown my affection inside your body

I feel the galaxies reigniting.



I used to love the air you breathed

Wanting to be closer and closer to get another inhale

Another grasp of the drug called love

But now only smoke remained,

You walked a path too strange for me to know the steps

And I laid wide awake in bed wondering if you ever loved me,

If I ever meant something to you, at least for one second

Because for me our romance was timeless and spaceless,

Something between a smile and a tear falling down my cheek,

Losing you became second nature,

Losing you became my defense mechanism

When my chest locked itself up, lying to the people I truly loved

Because I never wanted them in the first place,

Those unavailable men with girlfriends and fucked up lives…

I wanted you….

And I searched endlessly for a replacement

Hoping that maybe this time someone would be just like you:

Hamster face and teddy bear smile

Wanting to come and see me at 2 a.m in the morning

Grenade exploding at my doorstep when I never even expected it

And a goodbye that leaves every piece of my heart shattered on the floor.

No, those men were never you

They couldn’t be.

No one even came close

And this is not wishful thinking,

This is real.

I got so sick that I couldn’t even whisper the right words,

My voice was taken out of me

My defense mechanisms fell

And I missed you so badly that a panic attack became my escape route

Depression – my best friend.

I got lost in searching for someone else to fill the void in my heart

When all along I was actually looking for you,

Or at least a temporary band-aid to ease the pain of my boyfriend being gone forever

Of the word “us” being destroyed by the lies we told ourselves.

I guess you know how the story ends

If you like tarot cards

The Hanged Man, always keeping me in midair

Leaving me here, drowning and sick of my life

Hating my existence because I’m forced to live it without you,

And no, I’m not implying that you’re the love of my life

I’m just saying that moving on is not possible for me right now

Because I search for you in everyone I see

Your sweet words, face features,

Kindness, understanding, and compassion.

I search for the you that once was real with me….

But now is nothing more than an illusion carried away by the quicksand

Banging on my door to open up and be its slave.

It makes me cry – the past I mean

Because it was a beautiful romance

And just the thought of you made me happy at some point

But now your words cut deep into my skin

Knives that you never knew you could use to hurt me

But you did.

Now I’m stuck here, between the chambers of my rusty existence

Writing, hoping that this would change

And it hurts every little part of my body to see how happy you are with someone else

When I know how much you’ll always mean to me…

And how impossible it would be to find a replacement.

Even more beautiful

The world did not change and neither did the lights around me

I was still surrounded by darkness

Choking myself, trying to find a way to breathe

Making my way through the tears falling down my cheeks

The chest wound bleeding itself out until it was nothing left but pain…and an underlying sense of calmness.

The voices in my head echoing louder and louder with each passing second

“It’s over…it’s over….it’s over”

I kept imagining how I was closing a book that kept me stuck for almost a year and a half

And I was not sad, not really

Just bitter-sweet, nostalgic, because I remembered all the moments in between the beginning and the end, which you figured out it was now.

Those little things in the middle made a season of my life glow with lights

Those little memories – our first kiss, walking hand in hand after school, laughing at jokes no one else would ever understand but us

Planning a future together, watching movies,

Whispering words like “baby”, “honey”, “teddy bear” and “hamster”

Spending days and hours on end talking on the phone

Hoping for the best and putting the stars in the sky because we loved to dream about happiness….

And then the decline…

Fights, ups and downs, criticism, betrayal

Tears, alcohol, disappointment, pain, a lot of pain

Break-up, no talking, talking again

Then…finally the split…

My decision to move on….and quiet…

Just the wind blowing outside, the rain washing away my pain

The silence comforting me with its sweet embrace.

It’s been almost a month without you and it was hard….

To accept that everything happens for a reason.

I loved you so much and I really wanted to believe in a shooting star, a miracle,

A place to call home inside your arms….

Until up to this point I did want to believe in change, in an uncertain future…

But I know that living for tomorrow would take away today

And being stuck in something that “it’s over” is not helping anyone….

So…I have to let it go….

Because they say you never truly care about people until you set them free

And I don’t want to keep you in a cage if you’re a bird that wants to fly away from me…

It’s over….

And I’m sorry for holding on to this for so long that I forgot to stand on my own two feet without thinking that the world would crumble

It’s truly the end….and my heart did not stop beating like I thought it would

I did not cease to exist in the universe, I did not die….

I kept living and hoping and dreaming and changing

But above all else, I kept loving….

‘Cause writing the end at the bottom of a story would never make it less important….

But even more beautiful….



In dreams

People look at me now with strange faces

Their words cutting deep into my chest,

Not knowing the pain they inflict inside of me

Altering the way my heart beats….

Making it move faster through the cracks of my being

In the places where time ceased to exist….

Just stopped in the middle of a sentence,

In the aftermath of a kiss,

In the moments you and I took our breaths away from each other

As if we could hold the oxygen with bare hands

Not letting it slip through our fingers

As if we could really stop the inevitable from happening….

As if we could stop breaking up.

People look at me now and they applaud

They say that it was the best decision to move on

Let go of all that pain

But what they don’t know is that I’m not always looking ahead

There are seconds in each day when I turn my head over my shoulder

And lean back, my eyes filled with tears

My heart full of regret…

And I remember all the moments of our relationship

And I cry for hours on end

Thinking about the good times.

What people don’t know is that in my dreams were still together

Next to each other in bed

I caress your hair and you smile back at me

Your teddy bear face still stares back into my eyes

Your lips whispering “I love you” with the sweetness of sugar

Your hamster like features stand out and make me smile

I come closer to your chest, just to hear the beating of your heart

I hold your hand even tighter

And I add “No matter what” at the end of “I love you”

We whisper it in unison like an anthem

Our anthem…

Promising that we would always love each other no matter what.

What people don’t know is that we kept that promise,

Both of us

And even though our relationship failed we didn’t fail at love

Because we loved each other beyond time or space or promises or relationships

We loved each other even beyond borders and dead ends….

Just because we couldn’t work out as a pair on the dance floor

Or that we couldn’t be in each other’s arms every day

Or that we weren’t boyfriend or girlfriend officially

That doesn’t mean we stopped believing in love…

Because what we had was special

And we moved past this world to prove it….

We loved each other in dreams

In the spaces between the words of a song

In secret….

In eyes and tears and lies….

In an alternative universe.

What people don’t know is that I never hated you

Not even for a second

I always respected you

You were always my favourite person to spend time with

You were always my best friend….

And I’ve forgiven things that I would never forgive myself for

Because I cared so much about you and your happiness…

And I always wanted your best, my sweet little teddy bear

My lovely hamster….

But I knew that I wasn’t the best for you

And what we had was not right….

So I decided to love you in dreams

With a passion that burned like a fire

Lighting up whole cities and destroying old buildings

And I knew that in that place

Where no one could see us,

Where the darkness would make shadows on walls

And we would be safe hiding….

Only there we could love each other in peace

And no one would be able to steal our magic.




My first love never saw me naked

My first love never saw me naked

But it was something beautiful about that….

Because we did not share skin, we shared stories of ourselves,

We opened up our eyes to see the beauty of the world….

We went from cocoons to butterflies to dandelions being carried away by the wind

And back again…

Because we knew that it was more to love than passion

Than fire set ablaze in two bodies

Than that physical need to fill a space inside of you

That would probably always remain empty….

For us, love was innocent

Love was blind,

We kissed under the moon every night

Our faces glittering in the darkness

And we watched movies about superheroes

Because we liked to believe that our pink love could save the entire universe

When we knew from the start how much of a lie that was.

We talked about problems the way we talked about food

Trying to figure out the path we should go on while holding hands.

We laughed and took so many pictures

Of hugs, kisses on cheeks and smiles

That would later I would turn into poetry

While he would be in his bed, sleeping

They’ll become different words….

As innocent as our love was

And just as beautiful.

No, we did not share skin

But we were happier than ever

Because we both loved each other

And what could be more beautiful than having that intimacy?

It collided with the Sun,

Making gaps in the atmosphere

Because it was that easy not to show all your private parts….

But instead, our mistake was that we did not know bodies

We knew souls….

And it was harder to give up knowing something you can always find within yourself…..

I’ve never seen him naked,

But I saw how his eyes light up when he was talking about his biggest dreams

How his lips formed into a smile when he said “I love you”

How he always wanted to protect me from pain,

Even after he made me feel damaged.

It’s true,

If anyone wants to judge we did not make love,

But we made poetry….

And I wouldn’t trade a love as pure as that

For justĀ  skin and bones,

For “making love” as this society calls it….

With him, I made love 10 times better

With more passion and dedication

And I do believe that it was the best love I’ve made

While not being naked.

We had 2 hearts and we melted them into one

And if someone asked me if it’s worth a love as innocent as that

I’d say “yes”

Because I knew how much we loved each other only by reading texts

And I think that nothing in this world

Would ever compare to our sunshine,

To the lights radiating from two souls

Who did not see hidden parts of bones….

But discovered entire galaxies inside their chests….

And trust me,

A love who makes you write poetry is the best kind….

Sometimes, I just wish I would know how to stop writing you

Because in that way words would stop being painful

They’ll be just words…

And our break up would be nothing more than a break up….

But you know I can’t stop

‘Cause our love made me see the world in different colours

And all I do is tell it back how much I love you.


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