Posted in Writings

Our demons

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I do love you. It’s just that I’m mad….and I don’t know who I’m mad with more. You or me. I realize that I’m the one to blame because I stayed alone at that table, but I didn’t want to spend time with anyone but you. I know it sounds selfish, probably is, in a way…..but I really missed you.Maybe you didn’t miss me all that much…and that’s why you wanted to spend time with other people. Now that I’m sitting here, crying and writing these words, I realize that a void is forming in my chest. I could have stayed in the other city, come home another time. I could have refused to come to the party. I could have found someone to talk to last night. I could have done a lot of things differently, but the truth is that I didn’t. The sum of my choices led me to this point….and that’s my fault….because they were my choices and no one else’s. You made your own decisions and I made mine, but I guess the two of them didn’t sync. They were just like us – different….and I guess you can’t expect to see two people, with different life experiences, upbringing and perception of the world to feel or think the same thing. That’s  nonsense. I get it. We can’t be the same, but that shouldn’t be the problem as long as we communicate our views. Maybe the problem is not us, but what we don’t say, what we believe the other knows and understands. No, he doesn’t. Nobody reads minds. Period. That’s why we need to be clear and say all the time what we think or feel. Not avoid it. It’s the only way we can solve problems or better, not create them. Most of the time, we don’t even have problems,but we like to create them, to make them up, so that we can feel better about ourselves. Protect our little box where the ego lies….but in fact, this is a toxic thing. We shouldn’t do this. We should live happily ever after. That’s the thing – we make up our worst demons and then complain when they haunt us. Only when we realize that they aren’t real, that they are only illusions made up by our minds we can fight with them. First of all, we need to know the threat and only then start to choose a weapon. Unless you have clarity over a situation you can’t do anything except from staring into the darkness and wait for it to envelop you. We need to be strong in face of adversity. But most of all, we need a world in which people see things clearly and understand their problems. A world in which there are less stupid reasons of break up, divorce, killing others and so on. We need to wake up once and for all and realize when we are irrational or driven by impulses. But most of all, we need to talk, for God’s sake, because if we keep things bottled up they will eventually explode and destroy our beautiful world. And those things , my friends, those things which can save us a lot of tears and fights are called – talking, listening and making a compromise. I think we should all learn to introduce those in our daily lives. Like a practice…or a routine. There is one little thing called forgiving that should be included in this habit as well. Let’s be honest, no one is perfect…and if you consider yourself to be, then you are fooling yourself. You can be whoever you want to be, but above all things, you are human and flawed. Deal with it. Forgive others because you have been forgiven as well…and maybe, sometimes you didn’t even deserve it….but other people considered that you did.

Lots of love,

Queen of Hearts

Posted in Writings

For Emotional People

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If you are an emotional person, than any distressing event can strike a chord inside your heart. Any event can make you feel helpless or hopeless and despair may be able to set in and overcome you. At least, that’s what I see all around me. People who are really emotional, but choose to hide it. I know that for a lot of  you out there it’s easier to put a wall up between yourselves and the world, but that’s the thing with isolation, it can actually make you feel worse rather than better. I think that we live in a society where we are told what to feel, how to feel and in what degree is fine, but this is a really stupid thing if you ask me. No one and I mean NO ONE has the right to say that your feelings or your experiences aren’t as valuable as someone who went to war or struggled with alcoholism or whatever…because, yes you may not have been in a situation where you may need to overcome physical abuse, for instance, but that doesn’t mean that what you feel is unimportant. Comparing to others, you may feel small or stressing over nothing, but if that event gets to you, it means that you are a human being and a break up can be as traumatic for you as a war is for a soldier. You can have similar symptoms. I’m just saying this to make people understand that each person is different and everybody puts their own subjective interpretation over an event…and yes, it can hurt like hell. You may end up having nightmares. Insomnia. Heartbeats faster than normal. Flashbacks. Need to isolate. Trust issues…and all kind of things…just because of something which actually should be unimportant compared to other stuff. What I do believe is that when you are an emotional person, someone dearly insulting you can have a really strong impact on who you are as a person. Or criticism….or break ups….or fights with friends…or misunderstandings. Yes, emotional people, that’s right. I don’t feel that someone really tells them that it’s fine whatever you are feeling. You have the gift to experience this world differently, because you are sensitive…and that’s not wrong. You can use this to create something amazing and help others…or just help yourself. Show the world the best you’ve got. A misunderstanding can tear you into pieces just like seeing people die is what haunts a doctor. Your experiences are valuable and it depends on the person how things affect you, but I strongly believe that no one puts emphasis on how emotional people have to deal with all the messed up things in this world. It’s really hard and we should be at least grateful. Without them, we wouldn’t have a lot of  books to read or photographs to admire or paintings to hang on the wall. They do go through hell, maybe every day, maybe more than you who are not so emotional. I think we overlook this and treat people who say ,,I suffer because someone rejects me” or because ”I fought with my best friend yesterday and now we don’t get on well anymore” like it’s not a big deal, but it is. Left untreated, everything can escalate. So, just be a good person and listen to what they have to say. Show support. Be there when emotional people need you. It may seem like it’s not a big deal for you, but you can actually help someone in need. Everyone’s problems are valuable and just because you haven’t witnessed a crime that doesn’t make them less important or less traumatic. So, yes, this world is crazy for making emotional people feel like overreacting freaks. They are not. They just feel everything more intense than you could ever imagine…and this is both a blessing and a curse. If you don’t have to face something like this, you are lucky….but if you do and I think most people are….I want you to know that what you feel matters and forget what this world thinks. No one has the right to say how an event or an experience should or shouldn’t affect you….and NOBODY has the right to judge how you feel because of it. They haven’t walked in your shoes. They haven’t lived your life. If you need to cry, do it. Even on the streets. Wherever you feel like it. Who cares if people will look at you like you are crazy? You will feel better. It’s worse to hide your emotions, because they are a part of who you are, especially if you are sensitive. Take care of yourself and never forget that your experiences are as valuable as someone who was raped and just because you didn’t go through something like that, this doesn’t mean that you may not feel at least something similar.
Lots of love,

Queen of Hearts

 

Posted in Writings

Bottling emotions

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Here I am. 1 a.m. Writing. I guess you just can’t decide when inspiration is going to strike, but rather, go along with it. These days I feel lonelier than usual, but in a good way. I feel that all my life has been about helping others, pleasing them or giving advice, but I know for sure what my life hasn’t been about up until this summer  – me. Truly, my life wasn’t about me, because I was so busy with helping everyone in need that I completely overlooked my own problems. My struggles didn’t really matter at all since they weren’t about someone else. When it came to me, I didn’t pay attention to what I was feeling and what I was going through. I know it sounds kind of sad and I believe that it is. I never stopped, at least for one minute and say:,,Enough! I need help” until the situation got out of hand and I ended up being so stressed that I had no choice but to see a psychologist and be on medication.

Now, a few moths after that happened…I am starting to take more and more time to process everything that I went through in the past year or so. It’s not easy and although I feel that I put more space between me and the world, I feel that’s what I need right now, because I don’t feel truly healed. I still believe that there are holes inside my heart that I’m trying to fix and emotions I didn’t process properly at the time….but who can blame me? I’m a human being and I’m entitled to make mistakes. Anyway, I think what helped me the most was writing a book. Yeah, you may think ,,blah, blah, blah, writer stuff or whatever” , but what I truly believe is that when you look at the situation from an objective point of view you start to see things differently. You understand the things you did wrong and think more rational. Think about how you could have acted better. You start to see how interpretations affect relationships, how they can ruin friendships…and you end up thinking that there are 100 different ways you can give meaning to someone’s words or actions, but you would never be completely sure that is the right answer, because everybody is different. So, I decided not to put tags on people and let it be. At that point in my life, what happened to me, made my heart ache and that’s fine. It was my own way of dealing with the situation at hand….but now, I know better. I realize I can’t change the past,  but what I can do is choose how to respond to it….and I choose to shine a positive light on it. I choose to be thankful every day for what my life has to offer, because I don’t know when my journey here is going to end.

I decided to look back on everything that made me feel worthless and see that time in a different way. It was a challenge, but, as days go by, I realize that slowly, I’m starting to understand myself better. I’m beginning to learn how to take better care of myself and create healthy boundaries between me and other people.

Writing a book was like a magic trick for me. It helped me process what I went through, the things that hurt the most. I think it was like a cure in a way, because it gave me an overview over my past year and a half, a time when I was crying almost every day. I bottled a lot of emotions in that period in order to protect myself….and right now, I can honestly say that I still feel the sting of the pain from that period. Every day, I’m releasing more and more of it and I hope that one day, I’ll be free.

I’m hoping for the best for everyone reading this article and I also want to encourage you to take a moment and just think about yourself. In today’s world, where we rush in a lot of places and meet with a lot of people we rarely take the time to really sit with ourselves and notice how  we are feeling and what our life is all about. Trust me, at the end of the day, you’ll be the only person who’s going to hear your own thoughts  and live in your body and nobody else, ever, will know you better than you know yourself. So, I hope you become your best friend, because if you are anything like me and spend your life always thinking about the good of others take a moment and appreciate how an amazing person you are…since you deserve it.

Lots of love,

Queen of hearts

Posted in Writings

Lessons I learned this year

 

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Hey, guys. I feel like writing something today, so here I am, in front of my laptop, writing these words. I think that with every new experience I become better than before. A wiser person. Today, I thought that it would be awesome to share with you some things I learned this year. Maybe it would help with your growth or just entertain your soul, but anyway, I hope you’ll enjoy it no matter how it touches you. Here are a few lessons I learned this year and trust me, I learned them the hard way.

  1. Choose to forgive. Revenge helps you with nothing: I know that it sounds good to make others suffer because they did something bad to you, but in the long run you’ll end up only with regrets. Sometimes people don’t mean to hurt you,  it just happens. Deal with it.
  2. Accept the past. You can’t change anything: It’s hard to come to terms with something that happened, especially when you wanted to be different, but if you want to be happy, you have to.
  3. You’re not perfect and nobody else is: When you get this, your life becomes easier. Knowing that you’re not flawless helps you become a better person. There are always things we need to work on and that’s a blessing. It would be boring to have a world where everybody is perfect.
  4. Stop comparing yourself with others: It’s in our nature to belittle ourselves and put other people up on a pedestal, but it’s not in our best interest. You just put yourself down and look up to them. From an objective point of view, you compare something unique with something unique and tell yourself you’re not good enough.
  5. No matter how much you stress over something, the situation may not change: You can’t choose what happens to you, but you can alway choose how to react. 
  6. Judging others makes you lose friends: Instead of trying to understand the ones who are different, you’ll isolate yourself, because you put labels on people.
  7. Accept the differences and try to understand them: We tend to shut off and close our minds when others have a different point of view, but we should try to remain open-minded.
  8. Love is not toxic. What is toxic is not love. Period: I tried to understand this feeling and I do believe that if  someone makes you feel sorry to be alive and you label this feeling as “love” you have a problem. That’s no love, that’s obsession.
  9. You can break patterns that you worked your whole life to build: It’s better to let go of the patterns that no longer serve you, before they destroy your life and your relationships.
  10. You’re going to break some hearts and that’s okay: No one is perfect and no matter what you do you’ll hurt some people, but that doesn’t make you a bad person.
  11. It’s fine if you feel anxious: We don’t always feel good and that’s fine as long as we accept our feelings and don’t judge them.
  12. You don’t have to control everything and everyone. Nothing bad is going to happen if you stop being a control freak: The world won’t end and although you’ll feel like it, because you’re giving up your need to control others, you’re one step forward to giving up this pattern of behaviour.
  13. Nothing is impossible. You can do whatever you put your mind to : This is true, as long as you work hard and make some sacrifices.
  14. Stubbornness doesn’t help you: When 3 people tell you that something is wrong, it usually is. Wake up and stop being stubborn.
  15. Illusions can’t become reality: We spend a lot of time living inside our head, but we need to come back to reality and live here.
  16. Relationships take a lot of work: They do, but it’s worth it.
  17. True love is possible. You just have to find the person that it’s right for you: And when you find that person you’ll never get tired of being with him or her, because you’ll feel like they understand you even in silence.
  18. It doesn’t matter what others say as long as it makes you happy: People will have all sorts of opinions about you life, but that’s the thing – they don’t live your life, you do. Make the choices that are best for you.
  19. Look underneath the surface. No one is happy all the time: It’s easier to be superficial than to understand someone’s soul, but looking past a mask it’s the best thing you can do.
  20. It’s okay if you relax. You don’t have to work all the time: When you like to get things done, you’ll feel that relaxing is a bad thing, but that’s simply not true.
  21. You can choose to be happy. Every day: Yes, you don’t choose your circumstances, but if you wake up every day feeling sad, you can cheer yourself up.

Love,

Queen of Hearts

Posted in Writings

I once had a friend

I felt a little emotional today while talking with someone about the meaning of friendship…and I ended up reading this. Hope you like it.

I don’t intend to mourn over the past, even though I’m a little bit that bittersweet girl who cares about people way more than it should, but aren’t we all doing this? If you asked me to open the drawer of memories from my heart you would certainly remain surprised….or disappointed. Actually, it’s hard to grasp your reaction right now after such a long time. All I want you to know it’s that it has a special letter inscribed on it in blood-red ink. I realise that you may certainly wonder why. Well, it’s a long story, but just because you asked I’m going to answer your question in the most truthful way possible. To be honest, I once had a friend. A true friend. The once in a lifetime kind of friend that I wouldn’t have traded for anything in the world. He was the guy who listened to me when no one else would even dare to understand who I truly was deep inside. He brought a smile to my face each time I was sad. He made me laugh when I was drowning, wanting desperately to forget the world. He was that person who was there for me when nobody else was. Usually, when I suffer, I push people aside and shrink everything in myself. He was good at opening my wounds, cutting me wide open like a knife and what was glorious about it was that with each new scar that was opening I was becoming better and better, wiser and wiser.
I once had a friend who said I was ‘kind-hearted’ and even more than that. He called me ‘compassionate’ and ‘sweet’ and ‘understanding’ and ‘caring’ and ‘honest’.
Yet, on top of all of that, he told me something that nobody in the world ever did and it got imprinted on my heart like the white light energy got imprinted on my bones:’you are special’.
I once had a friend who felt that I helped him a lot. A friend who understood that I always cared about how he felt. A friend who missed me just because we were unable to talk for one day. A true friend who knew the real me, without masks and games….and I felt that I knew the real him, too.
What changed since then? I wish I could tell you the answer, but I don’t really know. I became a different person, but in the best and kindest way possible. I know that a part of me owes that to my lost friend because, at some point, the bond between us broke. I believe that everyone reading this would feel sorry for both of us for screwing up something so amazing.
All I know now is that our friendship got stuck in a cold place, trying to break free from the walls of our hostility. I once had a friend who understood me and all I know is that I miss him. I just hope he misses me, too.

Queen of Hearts