It hurts….

It hurts….

Like a sharp knife inside my ribs and bones….

It hurts…

To feel so many things for so many different people,

To scream and try to reach for someone’s hand,

Hoping that this time they would hold you,

They would know how to make you feel better

They would say all the right words and you would just listen

because it would be that easy, that beautiful to have such a connection….

something that just flows easy and natural like the wind blowing the leaves of the trees in the fall….

It hurts…

To scream when no one hears you….

When reaching for someone’s hands to wrap around you

becomes a burden because they don’t know how to hold you right

They look at you with a blank expression and just stare

and all you hear is silence….

since they do not know what to do or say …

and you understand….

All you feel is the pain of “goodbye” all over again

Your heart breaks…crumbling like a piece of paper

and once again you hit the brakes.

The thing is your destination is just a dead end

No detour this time

No apologies, no: “I tried and I failed”

Nothing…

Because the person you reach for is already in another woman’s arms

Loving with all his heart,

Giving her roses and telling her all his favourite songs….

The person you reach for is not yours anymore

and you have no right to complain when he does not even try to be there for you

because he does not feel what you do….

He does not know how to fix a heart that has stopped working

How to understand a woman he let go of

How to be there with all his heart….

He can’t comprehend what’s wrong with the girl crying on the end of the line

Only that she cries….only that he doesn’t know what to do….only that he is her friend….

Only that he wants to help her but all he hears is “you can’t….please stop”

That’s why sometimes he wonders whether it’s his fault or not….

Whether he could do more for her….

Whether she still loves him because there are moments when he loves her….

but those moments are fleeting….

and all that’s left between them is a bridge that no one can cross….

She could try but only get in the middle until she drowns….

and he would fall into the water only by taking two steps

Because the two of them do not know how to cross bridges

How to fill the spaces that have been broken with something new…

so they just drown…and spin….

And dance, trying to reach for the stars….

Readjust their position in the driver’s seat, take a new route,

Meet different people….

This time she would reach for a man strong enough to hold her

To whisper the words “it’s okay, honey….I’m here, you can cry with me”

while putting his arms around her with a love big enough to conquer the world….

And then she would hear “I love you,” said all over again….

And she would be happy….

 

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How it feels like to be emotionally unstable

10 a.m
I’m crying….I love you so much and we can’t be friends anymore…
Look at us,
It’s so hard for me not to cry when I realize how my needs are not met
And how much I miss my teddy bear.
Please come back to me
I say with every tear that’s falling down my cheeks.

4 hours later
What’s up, bro?
I feel like your sis….we are besties
For God’s sake…
I want nothing more with you than friendship…
And I’m not lying ….that’s how I feel
You don’t attract me anymore
I love you like a brother….
And I can talk to you like nothing is between us….
We’re really best friends…
I laugh at your jokes just like a friend
And I feel no love at all
Just a beautiful friendship.

At night
I miss my boyfriend so much, I love him
And he doesn’t respond to my texts
I’m broken-hearted.
How could he ever break up with me?
It’s all my fault, I know.
I like to say I’m over it when in fact I’m not
I’m just lying to myself,
Missing him like crazy,
Loving him with all my heart…
And I’m sad so sad.

The next day
I decide that I won’t talk to him again,
It’s getting harder to cry every day
And it’s a price I’m not willing to pay
Because I deserve to be happy.

3 hours later
He texts me and I don’t respond…
I’m keeping the distance because I am sad
Trying to get myself together
And get back up from the blow.
I’m avoiding his texts, focusing on my life and what I have to do….
And it works….I’m feeling better

1 hour later
We’re friends again…that’s how I feel
And we talk about the past,
I write poetry and even I say what a beautiful friend I am…
Do I believe it? Probably….
But I feel like we are right now…

At night
I shouldn’t have talked to him
I promised I won’t and I still do…
I believe I can find a way to make it work…
This friendship? I guess it’s a friendship after all…
It’s hard when I’m emotionally unstable
It feels like walking on shards of glass
But I’m managing….
Because I’m finally accepting who I am
And I’m not trying to change it….
And in a way, I really like it….
Until it’s 4 a.m
And I can’t sleep
Because I love him.

 

Dear 5 year old me

Dear 5-year-old me,
You are a girl in a pink dress
With eyes made of sparkling stars
And an innocent heart
Believing the best about the world
With a smile as wide as Eifel Tower
And a love bigger than life itself.
When you grow up
Do not let anyone dim your shine
They’ll try to fit you in a box,
Make your curves less edgy,
More round….
Tell them to try harder and do not listen
Because you were not made to be a plastic doll
But to stand out from the crowd
And voice injustice even when your words are trembling
Because that’s who you are.
Do not let them make you become their version of perfect
Become yours instead….
Because who you are is not makeup or pictures
But vulnerability and inner beauty….
And the way you cry yourself to sleep or write at 3 a.m in your room
When everyone is too busy to notice.
Dear 5-year-old me
I know that you are way too naive to see what’s coming next
And you have such a good heart
Seeing the best in people….
Do not let this world break it….
And I’m saying this because I know it will
You would be fed revenge and heartache at every corner
Doors will close in front of you from the dearest of people
And you would live in the cold for months
Waiting to receive a jacket….
And nobody will come.
You would want to give all your dreams up,
Screw the goodness inside of you
And become harsh
Because this cruel reality does not deserve such a beautiful person like you
Who sees the best in everything….
You would want to collect shatter dreams in a bucket
Write lists of the people who’ve done you wrong
Burn them alive, hurt them
So that they would feel the pain that you have felt
When they said “goodbye”.
You would want to give up the way you’re seeing the world
To get a new pair of eyes,
To see reality as it is….a dark place where half humans live
And monsters are disguised in angels from time to time
Where the hero who was supposed to save you from the fire
Was the one who started it in the first place….
And where nothing is right….
Because that is the world – a mess of choices we all make
And mostly they are all screwed up.
Dear 5-year-old me,
You still read fairy tales
And this world would take them away from you
Make you question about their meaning,
Wonder if there are heroes after all
Or just human beings who make mistakes
And then forgive.
Dear 5-year-old me,
This world would feed you hatred
Please give it back love,
People would bring you down,
Please choose to get back up
Over and over and over again…
Not because this harsh place deserves you
But because you can make it better….
You can be the one whose dreams did not die
When all the others chose to give them up….
You chose to fight for the words inside of you….
And see the beauty of an ideal perspective,
Of a place in which goodness do exist
And even though the villain was your best friend
You still believed in friendship….
And although your heart has been broken….
You still chose to fall in love…harder than before, better than yesterday.
Dear 5-year-old me,
This world would try to take away your shine
Do not dim yourself for God’s mercy
Because you are a beautiful young lady with so much more to give….
And we are all stuck in this rollercoaster called life,
Trying to figure it all out….
Get your box full of darkness and create a rainbow,
If the sky is black, paint it with stars….
And please, 5-year-old me,
Remain always as sweet as a child….
And never forget
That you have so much more to give to life than a story,
You have a heart to love for,
A heart that’s beating in your chest
Telling you to love people and life and scars
Because they will make you who you are….
Dear 5-year-old me,
I believe that you would become a beautiful young lady
Who stays tall no matter how many rocks are thrown at her,
The girl who could hear every goodbye ever said all over again
And still, live…..and still be a good person at heart.
Dear 5-year-old me,
Do not become empty
Become whole with every new experience
And no matter what happens
Never forget to smile.

Dream Retreat

”I know why I want to save people’’, I told her.

’’Why so?’’, she replied.

’’Because I dream’’, I answered.

She looked at me taken aback,

Almost ready to leave, but not quite so

Because probably what I said seemed new and exciting

Like kissing a boy for the first time

Or visiting a new city,

Finding all its hidden alleys in one day

Or maybe like finding the cracks under your skin while watching a movie,

But most likely as painful and as sweet as change.

’’Are you crazy?’’

The question came out of nowhere

As if I was being hit by a bus right there

And I felt it while I was still standing on my own two feet….

’’We all dream’’, she said

’’Isn’t that what human beings are supposed to do?’’, she continued,

Her voice sounding like the wind – soft and beautiful.

I looked her straight in the eye

Replying with thunderstorms and knives instead of words

Because that’s what my heart became in that moment.

’’Not like me’’, I said

’’I’m different.

I dream of saving the world, of being the hero….

But most of the time I find it hard to save myself from falling in love….

Or failing at something……

Do you know why?’’

She moved her head from side to side like a ’’no’’ sign not said with her lips…

’’Because I’m not supposed to’’,

I replied with a skin made of the ashes of all the boys I ever loved.

’’Life isn’t supposed to be a fairytale in which the hero saves someone from himself….

It’s supposed to hurt

So that we know it’s real

And not perfect.”

My voice cracked.

She nodded, taking some steps back,

Then left

Like a ghost leaving a house she always haunted

And I retreated in my dreams

To have the things that weren’t real

Since they were beautiful.

I am my future


I grew up telling myself that I wasn’t good enough,

That I wasn’t beautiful.

These words echoed through my head

Like monsters waiting to rape me of my skin

And then leave me all alone, crying with my back against the wall…

For decades these words haunted me

Like they were storms living in my bones, my soul…and my heart,

Like they were a tsunami hitting the shore,

Destroying everything in its path.

Until one day when everything changed….

That was the day that I met you.

You showed me that I was more than just my scars and my past

That I could also be my future.

You taught me how to love myself because you told me that I was beautiful…

And I believed in rainy days, fragility,

Late night conversations,

In sunshine and flowers blooming all around.

I believed in you and I believed in love

Because my life was beautiful and I was too.

One day you decided that I was not enough for you,

Packed your bags and left,

Without looking back.

It broke my heart for a while

But then I realised that I was lucky…

Because I could sit down with myself

Realising that I was beautiful

Even without a man in my life.

My heart and thighs were made of space

Waiting to be filled inside,

But I was more than just an object,

I was pain, blue sky, sunrise,

I was love

Because I loved myself more than I ever loved anyone else…

And I realised that you were right,

I could see that so clearly now

When I know that I’m not just my past,

I am also my future.

 

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