I used to love the air you breathed

Wanting to be closer and closer to get another inhale

Another grasp of the drug called love

But now only smoke remained,

You walked a path too strange for me to know the steps

And I laid wide awake in bed wondering if you ever loved me,

If I ever meant something to you, at least for one second

Because for me our romance was timeless and spaceless,

Something between a smile and a tear falling down my cheek,

Losing you became second nature,

Losing you became my defense mechanism

When my chest locked itself up, lying to the people I truly loved

Because I never wanted them in the first place,

Those unavailable men with girlfriends and fucked up lives…

I wanted you….

And I searched endlessly for a replacement

Hoping that maybe this time someone would be just like you:

Hamster face and teddy bear smile

Wanting to come and see me at 2 a.m in the morning

Grenade exploding at my doorstep when I never even expected it

And a goodbye that leaves every piece of my heart shattered on the floor.

No, those men were never you

They couldn’t be.

No one even came close

And this is not wishful thinking,

This is real.

I got so sick that I couldn’t even whisper the right words,

My voice was taken out of me

My defense mechanisms fell

And I missed you so badly that a panic attack became my escape route

Depression – my best friend.

I got lost in searching for someone else to fill the void in my heart

When all along I was actually looking for you,

Or at least a temporary band-aid to ease the pain of my boyfriend being gone forever

Of the word “us” being destroyed by the lies we told ourselves.

I guess you know how the story ends

If you like tarot cards

The Hanged Man, always keeping me in midair

Leaving me here, drowning and sick of my life

Hating my existence because I’m forced to live it without you,

And no, I’m not implying that you’re the love of my life

I’m just saying that moving on is not possible for me right now

Because I search for you in everyone I see

Your sweet words, face features,

Kindness, understanding, and compassion.

I search for the you that once was real with me….

But now is nothing more than an illusion carried away by the quicksand

Banging on my door to open up and be its slave.

It makes me cry – the past I mean

Because it was a beautiful romance

And just the thought of you made me happy at some point

But now your words cut deep into my skin

Knives that you never knew you could use to hurt me

But you did.

Now I’m stuck here, between the chambers of my rusty existence

Writing, hoping that this would change

And it hurts every little part of my body to see how happy you are with someone else

When I know how much you’ll always mean to me…

And how impossible it would be to find a replacement.


Even more beautiful

The world did not change and neither did the lights around me

I was still surrounded by darkness

Choking myself, trying to find a way to breathe

Making my way through the tears falling down my cheeks

The chest wound bleeding itself out until it was nothing left but pain…and an underlying sense of calmness.

The voices in my head echoing louder and louder with each passing second

“It’s over…it’s over….it’s over”

I kept imagining how I was closing a book that kept me stuck for almost a year and a half

And I was not sad, not really

Just bitter-sweet, nostalgic, because I remembered all the moments in between the beginning and the end, which you figured out it was now.

Those little things in the middle made a season of my life glow with lights

Those little memories – our first kiss, walking hand in hand after school, laughing at jokes no one else would ever understand but us

Planning a future together, watching movies,

Whispering words like “baby”, “honey”, “teddy bear” and “hamster”

Spending days and hours on end talking on the phone

Hoping for the best and putting the stars in the sky because we loved to dream about happiness….

And then the decline…

Fights, ups and downs, criticism, betrayal

Tears, alcohol, disappointment, pain, a lot of pain

Break-up, no talking, talking again

Then…finally the split…

My decision to move on….and quiet…

Just the wind blowing outside, the rain washing away my pain

The silence comforting me with its sweet embrace.

It’s been almost a month without you and it was hard….

To accept that everything happens for a reason.

I loved you so much and I really wanted to believe in a shooting star, a miracle,

A place to call home inside your arms….

Until up to this point I did want to believe in change, in an uncertain future…

But I know that living for tomorrow would take away today

And being stuck in something that “it’s over” is not helping anyone….

So…I have to let it go….

Because they say you never truly care about people until you set them free

And I don’t want to keep you in a cage if you’re a bird that wants to fly away from me…

It’s over….

And I’m sorry for holding on to this for so long that I forgot to stand on my own two feet without thinking that the world would crumble

It’s truly the end….and my heart did not stop beating like I thought it would

I did not cease to exist in the universe, I did not die….

I kept living and hoping and dreaming and changing

But above all else, I kept loving….

‘Cause writing the end at the bottom of a story would never make it less important….

But even more beautiful….


I wish I had known sooner…

Hello dear readers,

I want to apologize for not posting anything for a while but I’m in a period of my life when I’m healing things regarding my past. Since I am constantly analyzing and processing my thoughts, my actions and my emotions I made some breakthroughs regarding myself as a human being. I feel like I’m becoming the person I really want to be around and I love that. To celebrate everything I would like to share with you some of the lessons I learned while going through this process. These are things I wish I had known sooner. It would have helped me avoid a lot of unnecessary stress, but I guess that experience is the best teacher, after all. Here we go:

  1. The past can hurt and so can the present if we always dream about tomorrow and forget today

I read all the times how important it is to make peace with your past and I agree with that. Not everyone had the childhood they desired or the most amazing parents …but there are moments in life when we don’t fight with what we had but with what we have. We are not accepting the present because we are always striving for different things rather than be grateful for what we have. We dream about the future and forget to live now, day by day, minute by minute.

  1. You are not all-knowing, we are all learning here

Pride is an emotion that we tend to feel when we imagine ourselves as all-knowing because we read a lot or did tons of research on a certain topic. It happens to me sometimes. The truth is, we can never know everything and it’s okay to still get it wrong from time to time. It’s okay to admit that you can never be an expert, just a student who is constantly learning and bettering at something.

  1. Accept your responsibility, blaming others doesn’t help you

Sometimes we feel a lot of anger towards someone – for what they did to us and what they could have done differently. We say to ourselves ’’they should have known better” , but we tend to forget that everyone is human and flawed. Well, people don’t know everything and they can’t read your mind. If you don’t tell them what you need, sometimes you just don’t get it. People are different, there are no two persons alike on this planet…so don’t expect others to know your thoughts and feelings. You don’t know theirs. A  person may have done something that made you feel sad and you can never turn back time, but there is one thing you can do – accept your responsibility for what happened. As I said before nobody is perfect and neither are you. When you see the part you played in creating the situation it is harder to point fingers at others since you know you were an active part in the whole story.

  1. Loving yourself is not selfish, is healthy

A lot of us feel like loving ourselves is something wrong and weird. It seems unnatural, but the truth is that we need to start being gentle and proud of who we are. It’s okay to hug yourself and just do things for you. The depth of the love you gave away to others was all along yours and you neglected the person who would be there for you for the rest of your life and guess what – that’s YOU. So, loving yourself is one of the kindest decision you can make. It also helps others When you become better, you show those around you more love and compassion.

  1. Meditation is helpful

It’s scientifically proven that meditation has many benefits when it comes to our physical and emotional well-being. I won’t go into that, but if you are interested there are articles available online and you can find more information. Personally, it helped me become more relaxed and feel better about my body. My emotions became easier to process, even the ones that are not really pleasant to feel like fear, disappointment, anger, and guilt. It was easier to process my thoughts and accept them, but also to see the consequences of my actions and accept my imperfections. This might not have solved all my existential crises but it certainly made me arrive at a point where I could see things more clearly.

  1. Details matter

The sun shines through our window in the morning, people smile when we walk past them, the light reflects on the pavement at night – these are all little things that can brighten our day and make us appreciate life more. Always pay attention, you can never know when something amazing is just around the corner.

  1. Listen to people

This one applies especially to relationships, all kinds of relationships. We are so caught up in wanting to change someone, in wanting things to be different that we ignore the other person. If we are honest with ourselves, more often than not we don’t really care about others. We want our needs to be met.  We desire our ideas so badly that we forget to appreciate the other person for who they really are. Listen to people, they know what they want.

  1. Pain, heartbreak, and failure are stepping-stones for success

It’s hard to accept failure and drawbacks in life and be grateful for them, but nobody talks about the happy times when they are at the top. They talk about their struggles. Remember that.

  1. You teach others how to treat you. Teach them well.

If you don’t set boundaries and don’t love yourself enough to walk away when things are painful, then don’t expect others not to walk all over you. Having standards is not about being selfish, is about respecting yourself enough to know when it’s time for you to go. Don’t let others treat you like badly. Love and respect yourself enough to know what you deserve and stick with it.

  1. My reality is not your reality

I get caught up in my way of perceiving the world from time to time. I have to remember that what I see is only a part of the whole story and I never know someone else’s point of view unless I ask. Don’t assume that you have all the answers. There are some situations in life when you are only left with questions. We all see reality differently and I think it’s high time we embrace that.

This is what I had to say for today. I hope this helps somebody.

P.S: If you are struggling with anything right now, I want you to know that you’re not alone and there is always help available no matter how hopeless things may seem right now.

P.S 2: The picture I attached to this post signifies hope – the light at the end of the darkness. Maybe you would find it as inspiring as I do.

Lots of love,

Queen of Hearts




Not getting what you want

“I keep trying and I’m not getting what I want….

Well, it was not about getting what you want. It’s about learning to accept.”

This is wisdom from the middle of the night….I had an amazing dream. I actually dreamed the quote that you read earlier and then I wrote the further words. I hope you enjoy them.

I did it! I slept…and I finally understood how it works. The dream told me. I had this idea of a perfect timing, of love, of a perfect life…but it doesn’t always work like that. The way you want it to go…and if you just keep pushing and pushing, you go further away from the goal. The point was just to let go, to surrender and see what happens. Yeah, I didn’t sleep exactly when I wanted…but my anxiety started to fade and I did sleep better eventually. Maybe we don’t always get to the finish line from the start…because there is so much beauty in the road that lies ahead…and missing that would just be sad. Maybe we get where we want 10 years later. Maybe we marry the guy we would never imagine we would…and we don’t get to stick with our first love. Maybe…that was the point all along…we just forgot to pay attention to everything that speaks to us. Maybe….life was simply not about our way, but the right way…and if we keep trying to fit in a box, to never let it change, grow, expand, morph its shape into a new form… we never get to experience the whole thing and it would be a pity to miss that. We need a new perspective on things and we need it now. So, yeah…sometimes we don’t get what we want…but maybe that’s the whole point of the story – to accept the unknown, to deal with disappointment. Some people won’t change no matter how much we love them and that’s okay. We have so much to learn from this experience. Pain is such a powerful teacher, but disappointment is even better. As Robert Leahy said: “we all are disappointed….but life is not about not having to suffer…it’s about creating a life large enough to contain suffering, to contain disappointment”. It’s about the way we deal with it that matters because we all are human beings and we can’t escape that. So, let go of perfect. Let go of the ideas inside your head about what could be or should be and just live now. Appreciate every moment because it is truly a gift. Every experience, every tear, every heartbreak, the worst and the best just the same….and never forget to smile.


“Life is beautiful the way it is….and it doesn’t take two to see it. It takes YOU”


Lots of love,

Queen of Hearts


In dreams

People look at me now with strange faces

Their words cutting deep into my chest,

Not knowing the pain they inflict inside of me

Altering the way my heart beats….

Making it move faster through the cracks of my being

In the places where time ceased to exist….

Just stopped in the middle of a sentence,

In the aftermath of a kiss,

In the moments you and I took our breaths away from each other

As if we could hold the oxygen with bare hands

Not letting it slip through our fingers

As if we could really stop the inevitable from happening….

As if we could stop breaking up.

People look at me now and they applaud

They say that it was the best decision to move on

Let go of all that pain

But what they don’t know is that I’m not always looking ahead

There are seconds in each day when I turn my head over my shoulder

And lean back, my eyes filled with tears

My heart full of regret…

And I remember all the moments of our relationship

And I cry for hours on end

Thinking about the good times.

What people don’t know is that in my dreams were still together

Next to each other in bed

I caress your hair and you smile back at me

Your teddy bear face still stares back into my eyes

Your lips whispering “I love you” with the sweetness of sugar

Your hamster like features stand out and make me smile

I come closer to your chest, just to hear the beating of your heart

I hold your hand even tighter

And I add “No matter what” at the end of “I love you”

We whisper it in unison like an anthem

Our anthem…

Promising that we would always love each other no matter what.

What people don’t know is that we kept that promise,

Both of us

And even though our relationship failed we didn’t fail at love

Because we loved each other beyond time or space or promises or relationships

We loved each other even beyond borders and dead ends….

Just because we couldn’t work out as a pair on the dance floor

Or that we couldn’t be in each other’s arms every day

Or that we weren’t boyfriend or girlfriend officially

That doesn’t mean we stopped believing in love…

Because what we had was special

And we moved past this world to prove it….

We loved each other in dreams

In the spaces between the words of a song

In secret….

In eyes and tears and lies….

In an alternative universe.

What people don’t know is that I never hated you

Not even for a second

I always respected you

You were always my favourite person to spend time with

You were always my best friend….

And I’ve forgiven things that I would never forgive myself for

Because I cared so much about you and your happiness…

And I always wanted your best, my sweet little teddy bear

My lovely hamster….

But I knew that I wasn’t the best for you

And what we had was not right….

So I decided to love you in dreams

With a passion that burned like a fire

Lighting up whole cities and destroying old buildings

And I knew that in that place

Where no one could see us,

Where the darkness would make shadows on walls

And we would be safe hiding….

Only there we could love each other in peace

And no one would be able to steal our magic.




Previous Older Entries Next Newer Entries

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 421 other followers

%d bloggers like this: