Posted in Poetry

Dear 5 year old me

Dear 5-year-old me,
You are a girl in a pink dress
With eyes made of sparkling stars
And an innocent heart
Believing the best about the world
With a smile as wide as Eifel Tower
And a love bigger than life itself.
When you grow up
Do not let anyone dim your shine
They’ll try to fit you in a box,
Make your curves less edgy,
More round….
Tell them to try harder and do not listen
Because you were not made to be a plastic doll
But to stand out from the crowd
And voice injustice even when your words are trembling
Because that’s who you are.
Do not let them make you become their version of perfect
Become yours instead….
Because who you are is not makeup or pictures
But vulnerability and inner beauty….
And the way you cry yourself to sleep or write at 3 a.m in your room
When everyone is too busy to notice.
Dear 5-year-old me
I know that you are way too naive to see what’s coming next
And you have such a good heart
Seeing the best in people….
Do not let this world break it….
And I’m saying this because I know it will
You would be fed revenge and heartache at every corner
Doors will close in front of you from the dearest of people
And you would live in the cold for months
Waiting to receive a jacket….
And nobody will come.
You would want to give all your dreams up,
Screw the goodness inside of you
And become harsh
Because this cruel reality does not deserve such a beautiful person like you
Who sees the best in everything….
You would want to collect shatter dreams in a bucket
Write lists of the people who’ve done you wrong
Burn them alive, hurt them
So that they would feel the pain that you have felt
When they said “goodbye”.
You would want to give up the way you’re seeing the world
To get a new pair of eyes,
To see reality as it is….a dark place where half humans live
And monsters are disguised in angels from time to time
Where the hero who was supposed to save you from the fire
Was the one who started it in the first place….
And where nothing is right….
Because that is the world – a mess of choices we all make
And mostly they are all screwed up.
Dear 5-year-old me,
You still read fairy tales
And this world would take them away from you
Make you question about their meaning,
Wonder if there are heroes after all
Or just human beings who make mistakes
And then forgive.
Dear 5-year-old me,
This world would feed you hatred
Please give it back love,
People would bring you down,
Please choose to get back up
Over and over and over again…
Not because this harsh place deserves you
But because you can make it better….
You can be the one whose dreams did not die
When all the others chose to give them up….
You chose to fight for the words inside of you….
And see the beauty of an ideal perspective,
Of a place in which goodness do exist
And even though the villain was your best friend
You still believed in friendship….
And although your heart has been broken….
You still chose to fall in love…harder than before, better than yesterday.
Dear 5-year-old me,
This world would try to take away your shine
Do not dim yourself for God’s mercy
Because you are a beautiful young lady with so much more to give….
And we are all stuck in this rollercoaster called life,
Trying to figure it all out….
Get your box full of darkness and create a rainbow,
If the sky is black, paint it with stars….
And please, 5-year-old me,
Remain always as sweet as a child….
And never forget
That you have so much more to give to life than a story,
You have a heart to love for,
A heart that’s beating in your chest
Telling you to love people and life and scars
Because they will make you who you are….
Dear 5-year-old me,
I believe that you would become a beautiful young lady
Who stays tall no matter how many rocks are thrown at her,
The girl who could hear every goodbye ever said all over again
And still, live…..and still be a good person at heart.
Dear 5-year-old me,
Do not become empty
Become whole with every new experience
And no matter what happens
Never forget to smile.

Posted in Poetry

Dream Retreat

”I know why I want to save people’’, I told her.

’’Why so?’’, she replied.

’’Because I dream’’, I answered.

She looked at me taken aback,

Almost ready to leave, but not quite so

Because probably what I said seemed new and exciting

Like kissing a boy for the first time

Or visiting a new city,

Finding all its hidden alleys in one day

Or maybe like finding the cracks under your skin while watching a movie,

But most likely as painful and as sweet as change.

’’Are you crazy?’’

The question came out of nowhere

As if I was being hit by a bus right there

And I felt it while I was still standing on my own two feet….

’’We all dream’’, she said

’’Isn’t that what human beings are supposed to do?’’, she continued,

Her voice sounding like the wind – soft and beautiful.

I looked her straight in the eye

Replying with thunderstorms and knives instead of words

Because that’s what my heart became in that moment.

’’Not like me’’, I said

’’I’m different.

I dream of saving the world, of being the hero….

But most of the time I find it hard to save myself from falling in love….

Or failing at something……

Do you know why?’’

She moved her head from side to side like a ’’no’’ sign not said with her lips…

’’Because I’m not supposed to’’,

I replied with a skin made of the ashes of all the boys I ever loved.

’’Life isn’t supposed to be a fairytale in which the hero saves someone from himself….

It’s supposed to hurt

So that we know it’s real

And not perfect.”

My voice cracked.

She nodded, taking some steps back,

Then left

Like a ghost leaving a house she always haunted

And I retreated in my dreams

To have the things that weren’t real

Since they were beautiful.

Posted in Poetry

I am my future


I grew up telling myself that I wasn’t good enough,

That I wasn’t beautiful.

These words echoed through my head

Like monsters waiting to rape me of my skin

And then leave me all alone, crying with my back against the wall…

For decades these words haunted me

Like they were storms living in my bones, my soul…and my heart,

Like they were a tsunami hitting the shore,

Destroying everything in its path.

Until one day when everything changed….

That was the day that I met you.

You showed me that I was more than just my scars and my past

That I could also be my future.

You taught me how to love myself because you told me that I was beautiful…

And I believed in rainy days, fragility,

Late night conversations,

In sunshine and flowers blooming all around.

I believed in you and I believed in love

Because my life was beautiful and I was too.

One day you decided that I was not enough for you,

Packed your bags and left,

Without looking back.

It broke my heart for a while

But then I realised that I was lucky…

Because I could sit down with myself

Realising that I was beautiful

Even without a man in my life.

My heart and thighs were made of space

Waiting to be filled inside,

But I was more than just an object,

I was pain, blue sky, sunrise,

I was love

Because I loved myself more than I ever loved anyone else…

And I realised that you were right,

I could see that so clearly now

When I know that I’m not just my past,

I am also my future.

 

Posted in Poetry

Hope for the best

“I have a hurricane inside my heart
And only you can save me
The person who broke it down into pieces.

I have worlds inside my head
Scars under my skin
And ice is living in my bones.
Only you know about them because I told you
A secret shared between two lovers
Who take a sip of coffee on a rainy day.”

The only home I ever known was inside your arms
But you chose to move away, somewhere else
Somewhere sunny…where you can be with other girls
Go to parties and have fun
While I was left here to cry alone in a corner
To build cages out of my chest
And lock myself inside of them,
To hear everyone’s opinion on the way I should live my life
When I didn’t know what was best for me…

All I’ve ever known was that your kiss was my safe place
And now I’m forced to live without it…
Because I don’t matter to you anymore,
Not in that way…
And the sad thing is that at some point we promised each other
“No matter what I’ll love you forever”
So funny, like we knew what forever even means….

I realised recently that you can never keep all your promises,
Some are meant to be broken
In order to move on with your life.

All I know is that you broke up with me
And that it’s over
And I can’t be fixed the same way you sew a doll
Or put a bandage over a bleeding wound…
To fix me would mean to fix life itself
And we both know that’s not possible
Because humans haven’t figured out a way 
To love without getting hurt….or being left behind…
We just figured a way of living without our best friends
And those we love the most….
Because that’s what we’re supposed to do right?
Learn to move on, fly up high like beautiful birds…
Hoping that we won’t crush our wings in the fall.

Posted in Writings

Our demons

1

I do love you. It’s just that I’m mad….and I don’t know who I’m mad with more. You or me. I realize that I’m the one to blame because I stayed alone at that table, but I didn’t want to spend time with anyone but you. I know it sounds selfish, probably is, in a way…..but I really missed you.Maybe you didn’t miss me all that much…and that’s why you wanted to spend time with other people. Now that I’m sitting here, crying and writing these words, I realize that a void is forming in my chest. I could have stayed in the other city, come home another time. I could have refused to come to the party. I could have found someone to talk to last night. I could have done a lot of things differently, but the truth is that I didn’t. The sum of my choices led me to this point….and that’s my fault….because they were my choices and no one else’s. You made your own decisions and I made mine, but I guess the two of them didn’t sync. They were just like us – different….and I guess you can’t expect to see two people, with different life experiences, upbringing and perception of the world to feel or think the same thing. That’s  nonsense. I get it. We can’t be the same, but that shouldn’t be the problem as long as we communicate our views. Maybe the problem is not us, but what we don’t say, what we believe the other knows and understands. No, he doesn’t. Nobody reads minds. Period. That’s why we need to be clear and say all the time what we think or feel. Not avoid it. It’s the only way we can solve problems or better, not create them. Most of the time, we don’t even have problems,but we like to create them, to make them up, so that we can feel better about ourselves. Protect our little box where the ego lies….but in fact, this is a toxic thing. We shouldn’t do this. We should live happily ever after. That’s the thing – we make up our worst demons and then complain when they haunt us. Only when we realize that they aren’t real, that they are only illusions made up by our minds we can fight with them. First of all, we need to know the threat and only then start to choose a weapon. Unless you have clarity over a situation you can’t do anything except from staring into the darkness and wait for it to envelop you. We need to be strong in face of adversity. But most of all, we need a world in which people see things clearly and understand their problems. A world in which there are less stupid reasons of break up, divorce, killing others and so on. We need to wake up once and for all and realize when we are irrational or driven by impulses. But most of all, we need to talk, for God’s sake, because if we keep things bottled up they will eventually explode and destroy our beautiful world. And those things , my friends, those things which can save us a lot of tears and fights are called – talking, listening and making a compromise. I think we should all learn to introduce those in our daily lives. Like a practice…or a routine. There is one little thing called forgiving that should be included in this habit as well. Let’s be honest, no one is perfect…and if you consider yourself to be, then you are fooling yourself. You can be whoever you want to be, but above all things, you are human and flawed. Deal with it. Forgive others because you have been forgiven as well…and maybe, sometimes you didn’t even deserve it….but other people considered that you did.

Lots of love,

Queen of Hearts