Not getting what you want


“I keep trying and I’m not getting what I want….

Well, it was not about getting what you want. It’s about learning to accept.”

This is wisdom from the middle of the night….I had an amazing dream. I actually dreamed the quote that you read earlier and then I wrote the further words. I hope you enjoy them.

I did it! I slept…and I finally understood how it works. The dream told me. I had this idea of a perfect timing, of love, of a perfect life…but it doesn’t always work like that. The way you want it to go…and if you just keep pushing and pushing, you go further away from the goal. The point was just to let go, to surrender and see what happens. Yeah, I didn’t sleep exactly when I wanted…but my anxiety started to fade and I did sleep better eventually. Maybe we don’t always get to the finish line from the start…because there is so much beauty in the road that lies ahead…and missing that would just be sad. Maybe we get where we want 10 years later. Maybe we marry the guy we would never imagine we would…and we don’t get to stick with our first love. Maybe…that was the point all along…we just forgot to pay attention to everything that speaks to us. Maybe….life was simply not about our way, but the right way…and if we keep trying to fit in a box, to never let it change, grow, expand, morph its shape into a new form… we never get to experience the whole thing and it would be a pity to miss that. We need a new perspective on things and we need it now. So, yeah…sometimes we don’t get what we want…but maybe that’s the whole point of the story – to accept the unknown, to deal with disappointment. Some people won’t change no matter how much we love them and that’s okay. We have so much to learn from this experience. Pain is such a powerful teacher, but disappointment is even better. As Robert Leahy said: “we all are disappointed….but life is not about not having to suffer…it’s about creating a life large enough to contain suffering, to contain disappointment”. It’s about the way we deal with it that matters because we all are human beings and we can’t escape that. So, let go of perfect. Let go of the ideas inside your head about what could be or should be and just live now. Appreciate every moment because it is truly a gift. Every experience, every tear, every heartbreak, the worst and the best just the same….and never forget to smile.

 

“Life is beautiful the way it is….and it doesn’t take two to see it. It takes YOU”

 

Lots of love,

Queen of Hearts

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In dreams

People look at me now with strange faces

Their words cutting deep into my chest,

Not knowing the pain they inflict inside of me

Altering the way my heart beats….

Making it move faster through the cracks of my being

In the places where time ceased to exist….

Just stopped in the middle of a sentence,

In the aftermath of a kiss,

In the moments you and I took our breaths away from each other

As if we could hold the oxygen with bare hands

Not letting it slip through our fingers

As if we could really stop the inevitable from happening….

As if we could stop breaking up.

People look at me now and they applaud

They say that it was the best decision to move on

Let go of all that pain

But what they don’t know is that I’m not always looking ahead

There are seconds in each day when I turn my head over my shoulder

And lean back, my eyes filled with tears

My heart full of regret…

And I remember all the moments of our relationship

And I cry for hours on end

Thinking about the good times.

What people don’t know is that in my dreams were still together

Next to each other in bed

I caress your hair and you smile back at me

Your teddy bear face still stares back into my eyes

Your lips whispering “I love you” with the sweetness of sugar

Your hamster like features stand out and make me smile

I come closer to your chest, just to hear the beating of your heart

I hold your hand even tighter

And I add “No matter what” at the end of “I love you”

We whisper it in unison like an anthem

Our anthem…

Promising that we would always love each other no matter what.

What people don’t know is that we kept that promise,

Both of us

And even though our relationship failed we didn’t fail at love

Because we loved each other beyond time or space or promises or relationships

We loved each other even beyond borders and dead ends….

Just because we couldn’t work out as a pair on the dance floor

Or that we couldn’t be in each other’s arms every day

Or that we weren’t boyfriend or girlfriend officially

That doesn’t mean we stopped believing in love…

Because what we had was special

And we moved past this world to prove it….

We loved each other in dreams

In the spaces between the words of a song

In secret….

In eyes and tears and lies….

In an alternative universe.

What people don’t know is that I never hated you

Not even for a second

I always respected you

You were always my favourite person to spend time with

You were always my best friend….

And I’ve forgiven things that I would never forgive myself for

Because I cared so much about you and your happiness…

And I always wanted your best, my sweet little teddy bear

My lovely hamster….

But I knew that I wasn’t the best for you

And what we had was not right….

So I decided to love you in dreams

With a passion that burned like a fire

Lighting up whole cities and destroying old buildings

And I knew that in that place

Where no one could see us,

Where the darkness would make shadows on walls

And we would be safe hiding….

Only there we could love each other in peace

And no one would be able to steal our magic.

 

 

My first love never saw me naked


My first love never saw me naked

But it was something beautiful about that….

Because we did not share skin, we shared stories of ourselves,

We opened up our eyes to see the beauty of the world….

We went from cocoons to butterflies to dandelions being carried away by the wind

And back again…

Because we knew that it was more to love than passion

Than fire set ablaze in two bodies

Than that physical need to fill a space inside of you

That would probably always remain empty….

For us, love was innocent

Love was blind,

We kissed under the moon every night

Our faces glittering in the darkness

And we watched movies about superheroes

Because we liked to believe that our pink love could save the entire universe

When we knew from the start how much of a lie that was.

We talked about problems the way we talked about food

Trying to figure out the path we should go on while holding hands.

We laughed and took so many pictures

Of hugs, kisses on cheeks and smiles

That would later I would turn into poetry

While he would be in his bed, sleeping

They’ll become different words….

As innocent as our love was

And just as beautiful.

No, we did not share skin

But we were happier than ever

Because we both loved each other

And what could be more beautiful than having that intimacy?

It collided with the Sun,

Making gaps in the atmosphere

Because it was that easy not to show all your private parts….

But instead, our mistake was that we did not know bodies

We knew souls….

And it was harder to give up knowing something you can always find within yourself…..

I’ve never seen him naked,

But I saw how his eyes light up when he was talking about his biggest dreams

How his lips formed into a smile when he said “I love you”

How he always wanted to protect me from pain,

Even after he made me feel damaged.

It’s true,

If anyone wants to judge we did not make love,

But we made poetry….

And I wouldn’t trade a love as pure as that

For justĀ  skin and bones,

For “making love” as this society calls it….

With him, I made love 10 times better

With more passion and dedication

And I do believe that it was the best love I’ve made

While not being naked.

We had 2 hearts and we melted them into one

And if someone asked me if it’s worth a love as innocent as that

I’d say “yes”

Because I knew how much we loved each other only by reading texts

And I think that nothing in this world

Would ever compare to our sunshine,

To the lights radiating from two souls

Who did not see hidden parts of bones….

But discovered entire galaxies inside their chests….

And trust me,

A love who makes you write poetry is the best kind….

Sometimes, I just wish I would know how to stop writing you

Because in that way words would stop being painful

They’ll be just words…

And our break up would be nothing more than a break up….

But you know I can’t stop

‘Cause our love made me see the world in different colours

And all I do is tell it back how much I love you.

It hurts….

It hurts….

Like a sharp knife inside my ribs and bones….

It hurts…

To feel so many things for so many different people,

To scream and try to reach for someone’s hand,

Hoping that this time they would hold you,

They would know how to make you feel better

They would say all the right words and you would just listen

because it would be that easy, that beautiful to have such a connection….

something that just flows easy and natural like the wind blowing the leaves of the trees in the fall….

It hurts…

To scream when no one hears you….

When reaching for someone’s hands to wrap around you

becomes a burden because they don’t know how to hold you right

They look at you with a blank expression and just stare

and all you hear is silence….

since they do not know what to do or say …

and you understand….

All you feel is the pain of “goodbye” all over again

Your heart breaks…crumbling like a piece of paper

and once again you hit the brakes.

The thing is your destination is just a dead end

No detour this time

No apologies, no: “I tried and I failed”

Nothing…

Because the person you reach for is already in another woman’s arms

Loving with all his heart,

Giving her roses and telling her all his favourite songs….

The person you reach for is not yours anymore

and you have no right to complain when he does not even try to be there for you

because he does not feel what you do….

He does not know how to fix a heart that has stopped working

How to understand a woman he let go of

How to be there with all his heart….

He can’t comprehend what’s wrong with the girl crying on the end of the line

Only that she cries….only that he doesn’t know what to do….only that he is her friend….

Only that he wants to help her but all he hears is “you can’t….please stop”

That’s why sometimes he wonders whether it’s his fault or not….

Whether he could do more for her….

Whether she still loves him because there are moments when he loves her….

but those moments are fleeting….

and all that’s left between them is a bridge that no one can cross….

She could try but only get in the middle until she drowns….

and he would fall into the water only by taking two steps

Because the two of them do not know how to cross bridges

How to fill the spaces that have been broken with something new…

so they just drown…and spin….

And dance, trying to reach for the stars….

Readjust their position in the driver’s seat, take a new route,

Meet different people….

This time she would reach for a man strong enough to hold her

To whisper the words “it’s okay, honey….I’m here, you can cry with me”

while putting his arms around her with a love big enough to conquer the world….

And then she would hear “I love you,” said all over again….

And she would be happy….

 

How it feels like to be emotionally unstable

10 a.m
I’m crying….I love you so much and we can’t be friends anymore…
Look at us,
It’s so hard for me not to cry when I realize how my needs are not met
And how much I miss my teddy bear.
Please come back to me
I say with every tear that’s falling down my cheeks.

4 hours later
What’s up, bro?
I feel like your sis….we are besties
For God’s sake…
I want nothing more with you than friendship…
And I’m not lying ….that’s how I feel
You don’t attract me anymore
I love you like a brother….
And I can talk to you like nothing is between us….
We’re really best friends…
I laugh at your jokes just like a friend
And I feel no love at all
Just a beautiful friendship.

At night
I miss my boyfriend so much, I love him
And he doesn’t respond to my texts
I’m broken-hearted.
How could he ever break up with me?
It’s all my fault, I know.
I like to say I’m over it when in fact I’m not
I’m just lying to myself,
Missing him like crazy,
Loving him with all my heart…
And I’m sad so sad.

The next day
I decide that I won’t talk to him again,
It’s getting harder to cry every day
And it’s a price I’m not willing to pay
Because I deserve to be happy.

3 hours later
He texts me and I don’t respond…
I’m keeping the distance because I am sad
Trying to get myself together
And get back up from the blow.
I’m avoiding his texts, focusing on my life and what I have to do….
And it works….I’m feeling better

1 hour later
We’re friends again…that’s how I feel
And we talk about the past,
I write poetry and even I say what a beautiful friend I am…
Do I believe it? Probably….
But I feel like we are right now…

At night
I shouldn’t have talked to him
I promised I won’t and I still do…
I believe I can find a way to make it work…
This friendship? I guess it’s a friendship after all…
It’s hard when I’m emotionally unstable
It feels like walking on shards of glass
But I’m managing….
Because I’m finally accepting who I am
And I’m not trying to change it….
And in a way, I really like it….
Until it’s 4 a.m
And I can’t sleep
Because I love him.

 

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