Mismatch And My Brand New Heart

Going through the break-up is not an easy thing, especially when something that is going on between you and another person ends suddenly. You never receive a response. A goodbye text or even a phone call. Things just end.

You know that just like leaves, people change forms and what once used to fit perfectly in your heart, it fits no more. A clock who ran out of its time. A never-ending pain, loneliness inside. A break-up. Only if you could call it a breakup. Instead, you are forced to call it a mismatch, a dismantling of the pieces of your existence, another time when you gave away too much and received back too little. Just another time when your heart was burning, longing without you knowing why. Without understanding how it happened again – just another failure. And sometimes you wonder if you are the failure or the other person just failed to see your innate value.

Maybe going through a break-up is easier than having a mismatch. Easier than silence and leaving room for interpretation. Easier because you somehow have some kind of closure. With mismatches is always tricky – the other person might leave room for a comeback, for messing you all over again, for stomping on your heart until you decide that it’s over. Only if it were that easy when your mind makes up a thousand of reasons why he or she was good for you.

Truth is, both of them suck but I think mismatches are more painful, more damaging for your health or your heart. I think depressive symptoms are painful like that when they make their presence shown in the dark of the night. The moments when you prefer to go to sleep or talk to someone. It’s an unending void of unhappiness that seeps you inside yourself. It’s a pain that keeps growing on you…and somehow never healing, an old friend coming back to say: ’’hi’’. Yeah, depressive symptoms are funny like that.

Mismatches are painful because you don’t get to say your last words. You don’t get to say goodbye. It’s a slow death of the parts of yourself you thought you needed…but never dared to get them back. Someone else just took them, without your permission…and now you are left here to stare at walls and wonder  ’’what happened to us when only yesterday we were fine?’’. But you know it doesn’t matter, not for him, anyway. You were just another girl, another abandoned kid left by her mother to wonder in this world alone. Another pain in the ass….and somehow you found yourself unworthy, depleted of love. You found yourself unworthy and not good enough….and you believed it….you believed the lies…and now you are crying while writing this…you are crying with tears falling down so that the demons will hear it. That you are healing.

This crying is some kind of washing away of everything there is rotten inside, except there is nothing rotten within you. There is nothing to be fixed, just more pieces to be loved,  uncovered and cherished. Just more of yourself to be tucked in at night and hugged and read good old time stories to.

You believed for a moment that this mismatch took your time away. It took your heart away and managed to untangle your veins from the unhappiness of life. That you were over but after a while, you managed to see it just the way it was always supposed to be seen – a wrinkle in time, another experience, another way for you to discover just how strong you were without a man in your life. And now you are writing, now you are determined to see your worth and love yourself above all else. Now you are a diamond glowing in the dark.

Here you are, crying…and after the tears comes the laughter, the smile, the bittersweet happiness that the Universe knows best, that the Universe had other plans for you and you decided not to listen.

Control. Resistance. Everything in full blown. You threw it at them…yet, still, they didn’t listen. ’Cause the Universe couldn’t care less about your stupid plans. You know what they said ‚’’If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans’’’….and that’s exactly what you did, girl. You arranged everything to fit perfectly except none of the pieces fit unless you were true to yourself. And you were not true to yourself, staying strong in your therapist’s office just like that.

’’Be honest with your pain. Ask for help.’’ Pieces of advice you should have followed, but you didn’t….so instead of scolding you learn to love yourself, you learn to appreciate every part of the journey. You learn to laugh out loud and cry tears of gold and smile at this amazing experience called life…because in the end, everything was beautiful.

A mismatch? What if this ’’mismatch’’ was not just what you wanted, but exactly what you needed to be propelled towards a life of greatness, a life in which you are truly a writer?

Keep dreaming, girl. Maybe mismatches are just stepping stones towards your greatness.

Lots of love,

The Heart of An Aspiring Writer

Image source 1 & 2: https://sayingimages.com/

Image source 3: http://spiritualcleansing.org/

Advertisements

The Paradox of Being Human

 

You can be right, happy or human. It’s your choice.

We live in an era where everything is changing at high speed. Technology is starting to occupy most of our lives, relationships are redefined daily and workplaces are not what they used to be. Given this state, the natural response should be seeing ourselves as a work in progress. Is this truly happening today? Not really.

As far as I can see, most of us have this innate need to be right. We want to control each little detail of life. It doesn’t matter if in our search for acknowledgment another’s experience is diminished.

Although our need to be right might be useful in some contexts, such as the workplace, in close relationships this brings us further away from our partners. We all want happy relationships, but lack of empathy is the underlying reason why we don’t have them. We prefer to live alone and be right, rather than listen and be happy. We have a lot to lose today because of this need to have our view of the world acknowledged. Even if we do, sometimes it is still not enough to get out of our own head.

This is the reason why we can end up in social isolation. If we think we are right all the time we don’t make space for the other person to come forth and show us their unique experience. Every person has a different set of eyes and a brain through which they process the human world. Starting anything with the benefit of the doubt and taking into consideration our differences leaves room for conversation…or as I’d like to call it, for true connection.

Today, everyone is talking about how they want to be connected, but in truth, we are more disconnected than ever. We already know why. In our quest to be right we loose what truly matters most – our relationships.

I found it useful to share with you my personal struggle with this matter. Now you can dive deep into the mind of someone who is right all the time. Please don’t get lost:

’’As a person who likes to have her own way, I discovered the drawbacks of this very thing. You can end up isolated and misunderstood. Instead of trying to switch the point of reference, you remain stuck. There is no room for growth. It’s just suicide.’’

I know I talked about what happens, but how can we change this? Stick with me for another personal account:

’’What I did to solve this issue was to doubt myself. To fit another’s puzzle pieces into my own story. I think that what we need right now is not a rigid view of the world, but rather a conversation about vulnerabilities and the stuff we are going through. We put up walls all the time and being right is just a way of protecting ourselves from the unknown, form saying yes to life, from the whole range of human experiences.’’

”Assuming that I can get it completely wrong was the best thing ever. I got to connect with people, listen to their stories and understand the way each idea was shaped inside somebody else’s mind.”

Instead of choosing between being right or being happy, a question of ’’either or’’, I think we need to get to the core of ’’both and’’. To redefine the discussion towards stories and meaning-making. In my view, there isn’t a right answer, only different versions of the same story.

For those who are strong enough to understand that being a human being is a paradox in itself, I can only assume they will live a happy life. For the rest, I think you’ll struggle to try to find ultimate answers to the questions of life. A quest which will only lead to despair, because there are no right answers, only more questions.

Aren’t we just animals circling around the Sun? Just admit, we are living paradoxes and we have no idea what the heck we are doing here, but we are doing it anyway.

Right or happy? Just be wrong for a second. Just be human. It’s the best thing you can be.

Lots of love,
Mădălina Dan

Image source: https://www.vichealth.vic.gov.au/

What it takes to be yourself?

 

”Once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

– Margery Williams

 

Hello, dear readers!

I read yesterday a story called “The Velveteen Rabbit” and I wanted to share with you a short paragraph from it. In my eyes, it’s about becoming authentic in life. I will let the paragraph speak for itself. Enjoy 🙂

“What is REAL?” “Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Lots of love and always remember – be authentic each passing day. You can never get ugly, only more beautiful.

Hugs,

Mădălina Dan

Growing from trauma

 

From infidelity to break-up to emotional, sexual or physical abuse most of us have a set of traumas and it’s hard to overcome them sometimes. Or maybe, maybe we don’t have past traumas, but life challenges are just knocking at our door, trying to bring us down. Either way, I wrote this poem to remind myself every night before I go to sleep that there is a little light at the end of the tunnel. I also wrote it for everyone who is struggling right now during their journey. I wrote it to tell people: “Hold on. Better days are coming. ”:)

I’m a hurricane girl,

A resilient human being,

A butterfly,

A special person,

A voice in the silence,

A light in the darkness,

I am myself

And I have power

Power to change something.

P.S when in doubt: Your voice matters and you have the power to change something. The world needs your gift. Be brave enough to use it. 

Lots of love,

Mădă

The magic of friendship

 

Each one of us has a little voice inside that whispers the things we need to hear the most – like how beautiful we are. Most often than not we ignore this voice, we ignore our own needs and values, searching for somebody else to feel the void. We shrink ourselves, we become dissembled pieces of a puzzle that was once whole. Armour after armour, we put our shields up, hoping that one day we will be fine. Hoping that one day we will be happy. The problem is, that day is not coming, not until we become brave enough to do the work, to face everything that has been hidden from our eyesight.

I think we need to help ourselves, to forgive and love each part of our mind, body, and spirit, but also never ignore the help of other people. There are so many amazing human beings in this world that are willing to hold our hand when we are walking through storms. These people are not here to take our pain away, but to create spaces where we can feel safe enough to open up and share stories. To become vulnerable and let our guard down for a change. To simply be ourselves, without the need to please or fake a reaction, because we can be accepted for who we are.

There is so much healing in feeling empathy and realizing that another heart is beating in sync with yours, that another human being can actually stay there and listen to everything you have to say. Not judge or run away or criticize your choice, but just listen. See beneath all the layers of hurt and reach your soul. That’s what a true friend does. It doesn’t heal your wounds, but it encourages you to face your demons. It lets you go through your own journey, being fully conscious that one day you will become a beautiful butterfly, even though that day might not come as soon as he or she might expect. A good friend loves you in the most amazing way –  with an open heart and a free spirit.

I think there are no words powerful enough to describe the gifts that the empathy and vulnerability of a true friend can bring to our lives. Maybe they should be described as magic fairy dust because they soften our hearts and the blows of everything that came before. We can see ourselves as worthy of love and forgiveness when somebody else deems us as such, although there are times we might think we don’t deserve it. That’s simply because we tend to be too hard on ourselves and not forgive our undesirable parts, but a friend who truly loves us will look past our mistakes and wrongdoings, will judge us based on our soul. A true friend will set us free from the prison of self-hatred.

Once we understand that a whole new world opens in front of our eyes, we realize that we don’t have to go through the journey alone. Sometimes having a shoulder to cry on can be the best thing. Sometimes what we need is someone to listen and be there. Having a good friend makes us automatically become a better one. We become wise and beautiful and vulnerable, managing to sit with our own grief because we know we are strong enough to hold it in our hearts. We are strong enough to face everything when we know that other amazing people have our back and we are not alone in this complicated place called life’’. We become confident enough to believe in our dreams and see the light at the end of the tunnel. In the end, we’re all in this together, not alone.

Lots of love,

Măđă