When You Wonder Who You Are…

I’m drowning underwater. Sometimes I don’t know where my body ends and another person begins. I’m just trying to be myself – those are the good days. On bad days I am a pit of emptiness, a doll at the threshold of despair. I call myself a doll because I am moved by a master. Maybe God is my master, but I don’t really know. I just feel the blood surging up from my last wounds, the ones I made in self-harm when I was wallowing in emptiness and despair…as if despair is something trendy nowadays.

Did you self-harm? Me too. What a coincidence. I think this should be our new – ’’ welcome, nice to meet you’’. And yes, I would like to use it as a joke, but I can’t…because depression rates are increasing and suicide is among the top causes of death. Yet, still, as a psychology student, I can’t seem to stop wondering why. Maybe the answer is we don’t have a calling, a purpose in life. We just get up every morning and do something aimlessly. Without a doubt, we think this world is out to get us and we don’t see our role in this whole thing called life. We are puppets…or victims. Certainly, victims waiting for heroes to save us…and when we are not mere victims we are the perpetrators, the ones who inflict pain on other people, crushing their dreams on instant due to our own insecurities. What are we if not sad people wandering the world to find our own meaning in life?

We search for meaning out there as if it’s something to be grasped, when in fact is something to be made or rediscovered within ourselves. We do have all the answers inside, sometimes we just forget them. We like to be unconscious, cruel and complain about every damn little thing. That’s probably why we do have depression. We spend our days in negativity, problems, and hurts. We isolate ourselves when we feel the most pain. We like to be invincible and perfect when in fact we are just scared kids searching for a place to call home. We cling to material things for happiness and we forget to enjoy the little moments of joy that brings us peace. We forget to relax….and love each other despite our own imperfections.

So….who are we, really? I think the answer is whoever we want to be, whoever our souls want us to be. We have only one single problem – society doesn’t care about our soul’s journey. So, we are faced with one big decision – do we follow our dreams or do we follow the rules?
The answer is only ours.

Lots of love,
A girl wondering who she is

Image source: https://www.ramdass.org/practice-self-inquiry/

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Mental Health In A Nutshell

 

I hear the birds singing

And I feel a ray of light caressing me.

I think I am made of the light or rather I had become the light itself,

The life itself,

The life of it.

I feel the wind caressing my hair;

It’s a sweet breeze.

It reminds me of the ghosts of Christmas past

All my ex-lovers crammed in one corner

In one part, in one heart

Inside of me.

The loneliness of nature goes deeper than my skin,

Past the blood in my veins, past every cell, past every atom

Past this Universe

Into an unknown dimension…

Making a hole right at the center

In the middle of my tiny heart.

My little guardian angel is in pain

So it makes the decision to numb it

To erase memories and feelings from the moment you press tape,, start’’.

But you see, my mind is clever

She knows how to overthink her way into freedom,

She finds a way to flashback the trauma in my nightly dreams

To make them nightmares I’m supposed to escape out of….

My mind is good at painting paradises out of lost causes

Usually by destroying them.

My mind is clever

She learned from a young age the freedom of depression,

The taste of trauma on skin

The freedom of chains around my body in the morning,

Not getting out of bed

Idealizing strangers who left scars,

Portraying sweet emotional abuse,

My mind is clever

She knows how to survive

The only problem is…

This time…she has to…

Thrive.

Lots of love,

Mădă ❤

Image source: https://blog.verily.com/

Mismatch And My Brand New Heart

Going through the break-up is not an easy thing, especially when something that is going on between you and another person ends suddenly. You never receive a response. A goodbye text or even a phone call. Things just end.

You know that just like leaves, people change forms and what once used to fit perfectly in your heart, it fits no more. A clock who ran out of its time. A never-ending pain, loneliness inside. A break-up. Only if you could call it a breakup. Instead, you are forced to call it a mismatch, a dismantling of the pieces of your existence, another time when you gave away too much and received back too little. Just another time when your heart was burning, longing without you knowing why. Without understanding how it happened again – just another failure. And sometimes you wonder if you are the failure or the other person just failed to see your innate value.

Maybe going through a break-up is easier than having a mismatch. Easier than silence and leaving room for interpretation. Easier because you somehow have some kind of closure. With mismatches is always tricky – the other person might leave room for a comeback, for messing you all over again, for stomping on your heart until you decide that it’s over. Only if it were that easy when your mind makes up a thousand of reasons why he or she was good for you.

Truth is, both of them suck but I think mismatches are more painful, more damaging for your health or your heart. I think depressive symptoms are painful like that when they make their presence shown in the dark of the night. The moments when you prefer to go to sleep or talk to someone. It’s an unending void of unhappiness that seeps you inside yourself. It’s a pain that keeps growing on you…and somehow never healing, an old friend coming back to say: ’’hi’’. Yeah, depressive symptoms are funny like that.

Mismatches are painful because you don’t get to say your last words. You don’t get to say goodbye. It’s a slow death of the parts of yourself you thought you needed…but never dared to get them back. Someone else just took them, without your permission…and now you are left here to stare at walls and wonder  ’’what happened to us when only yesterday we were fine?’’. But you know it doesn’t matter, not for him, anyway. You were just another girl, another abandoned kid left by her mother to wonder in this world alone. Another pain in the ass….and somehow you found yourself unworthy, depleted of love. You found yourself unworthy and not good enough….and you believed it….you believed the lies…and now you are crying while writing this…you are crying with tears falling down so that the demons will hear it. That you are healing.

This crying is some kind of washing away of everything there is rotten inside, except there is nothing rotten within you. There is nothing to be fixed, just more pieces to be loved,  uncovered and cherished. Just more of yourself to be tucked in at night and hugged and read good old time stories to.

You believed for a moment that this mismatch took your time away. It took your heart away and managed to untangle your veins from the unhappiness of life. That you were over but after a while, you managed to see it just the way it was always supposed to be seen – a wrinkle in time, another experience, another way for you to discover just how strong you were without a man in your life. And now you are writing, now you are determined to see your worth and love yourself above all else. Now you are a diamond glowing in the dark.

Here you are, crying…and after the tears comes the laughter, the smile, the bittersweet happiness that the Universe knows best, that the Universe had other plans for you and you decided not to listen.

Control. Resistance. Everything in full blown. You threw it at them…yet, still, they didn’t listen. ’Cause the Universe couldn’t care less about your stupid plans. You know what they said ‚’’If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans’’’….and that’s exactly what you did, girl. You arranged everything to fit perfectly except none of the pieces fit unless you were true to yourself. And you were not true to yourself, staying strong in your therapist’s office just like that.

’’Be honest with your pain. Ask for help.’’ Pieces of advice you should have followed, but you didn’t….so instead of scolding you learn to love yourself, you learn to appreciate every part of the journey. You learn to laugh out loud and cry tears of gold and smile at this amazing experience called life…because in the end, everything was beautiful.

A mismatch? What if this ’’mismatch’’ was not just what you wanted, but exactly what you needed to be propelled towards a life of greatness, a life in which you are truly a writer?

Keep dreaming, girl. Maybe mismatches are just stepping stones towards your greatness.

Lots of love,

The Heart of An Aspiring Writer

Image source 1 & 2: https://sayingimages.com/

Image source 3: http://spiritualcleansing.org/

Cheater On Life

”I think it’s time for me to tell my story”,

I told you this in all the conversations I’ve made inside my head,

None of them you know anything of.

I think it’s time for me to follow my calling

I think it’s high time to drop that mask, wall, hole

Whatever.

If life were a game of chess I would have found the shortcut

I would have found a way to cheat

‘Cause I am a cheater on life.

I cheat on everyone I know with pretending I am something that I’m not.

Truth is, I love to cheat on the rules

People get bored because they work hard

I just play…play them.

This is me, I am a cheater on life

And I feel good about it.       

Let’s make new rules.

Lots of love,

Mădălina Dan

 

Image source: https://www.youtube.com/

Manifesto for strong people

 

I wrote a short poem for everyone going through a tough time right now. This is a little reminder about how strong you are. Enjoy 🙂

 

You are worth it and you have always been worth it

Reality might be a shattered glass,

But you don’t have to be shattered yourself.

You can be whole and beautiful and perfect,

You can just be yourself.

Speak up,

Tell your story,

Be strong.

You deserve all the best in the world.

You deserve happiness.

 

Until next time, find your superpower ( I know it’s there inside) and never, ever forget to smile. ❤

Lots of love,

Mădălina Dan