I’m drowning underwater. Sometimes I don’t know where my body ends and another person begins. I’m just trying to be myself – those are the good days. On bad days I am a pit of emptiness, a doll at the threshold of despair. I call myself a doll because I am moved by a master. Maybe God is my master, but I don’t really know. I just feel the blood surging up from my last wounds, the ones I made in self-harm when I was wallowing in emptiness and despair…as if despair is something trendy nowadays.
Did you self-harm? Me too. What a coincidence. I think this should be our new – ’’ welcome, nice to meet you’’. And yes, I would like to use it as a joke, but I can’t…because depression rates are increasing and suicide is among the top causes of death. Yet, still, as a psychology student, I can’t seem to stop wondering why. Maybe the answer is we don’t have a calling, a purpose in life. We just get up every morning and do something aimlessly. Without a doubt, we think this world is out to get us and we don’t see our role in this whole thing called life. We are puppets…or victims. Certainly, victims waiting for heroes to save us…and when we are not mere victims we are the perpetrators, the ones who inflict pain on other people, crushing their dreams on instant due to our own insecurities. What are we if not sad people wandering the world to find our own meaning in life?
We search for meaning out there as if it’s something to be grasped, when in fact is something to be made or rediscovered within ourselves. We do have all the answers inside, sometimes we just forget them. We like to be unconscious, cruel and complain about every damn little thing. That’s probably why we do have depression. We spend our days in negativity, problems, and hurts. We isolate ourselves when we feel the most pain. We like to be invincible and perfect when in fact we are just scared kids searching for a place to call home. We cling to material things for happiness and we forget to enjoy the little moments of joy that brings us peace. We forget to relax….and love each other despite our own imperfections.
So….who are we, really? I think the answer is whoever we want to be, whoever our souls want us to be. We have only one single problem – society doesn’t care about our soul’s journey. So, we are faced with one big decision – do we follow our dreams or do we follow the rules?
The answer is only ours.
Lots of love,
A girl wondering who she is
Image source: https://www.ramdass.org/practice-self-inquiry/