Here I am. 1 a.m. Writing. I guess you just can’t decide when inspiration is going to strike, but rather, go along with it. These days I feel lonelier than usual, but in a good way. I feel that all my life has been about helping others, pleasing them or giving advice, but I know for sure what my life hasn’t been about up until this summer – me. Truly, my life wasn’t about me, because I was so busy with helping everyone in need that I completely overlooked my own problems. My struggles didn’t really matter at all since they weren’t about someone else. When it came to me, I didn’t pay attention to what I was feeling and what I was going through. I know it sounds kind of sad and I believe that it is. I never stopped, at least for one minute and say:,,Enough! I need help” until the situation got out of hand and I ended up being so stressed that I had no choice but to see a psychologist and be on medication.
Now, a few moths after that happened…I am starting to take more and more time to process everything that I went through in the past year or so. It’s not easy and although I feel that I put more space between me and the world, I feel that’s what I need right now, because I don’t feel truly healed. I still believe that there are holes inside my heart that I’m trying to fix and emotions I didn’t process properly at the time….but who can blame me? I’m a human being and I’m entitled to make mistakes. Anyway, I think what helped me the most was writing a book. Yeah, you may think ,,blah, blah, blah, writer stuff or whatever” , but what I truly believe is that when you look at the situation from an objective point of view you start to see things differently. You understand the things you did wrong and think more rational. Think about how you could have acted better. You start to see how interpretations affect relationships, how they can ruin friendships…and you end up thinking that there are 100 different ways you can give meaning to someone’s words or actions, but you would never be completely sure that is the right answer, because everybody is different. So, I decided not to put tags on people and let it be. At that point in my life, what happened to me, made my heart ache and that’s fine. It was my own way of dealing with the situation at hand….but now, I know better. I realize I can’t change the past, but what I can do is choose how to respond to it….and I choose to shine a positive light on it. I choose to be thankful every day for what my life has to offer, because I don’t know when my journey here is going to end.
I decided to look back on everything that made me feel worthless and see that time in a different way. It was a challenge, but, as days go by, I realize that slowly, I’m starting to understand myself better. I’m beginning to learn how to take better care of myself and create healthy boundaries between me and other people.
Writing a book was like a magic trick for me. It helped me process what I went through, the things that hurt the most. I think it was like a cure in a way, because it gave me an overview over my past year and a half, a time when I was crying almost every day. I bottled a lot of emotions in that period in order to protect myself….and right now, I can honestly say that I still feel the sting of the pain from that period. Every day, I’m releasing more and more of it and I hope that one day, I’ll be free.
I’m hoping for the best for everyone reading this article and I also want to encourage you to take a moment and just think about yourself. In today’s world, where we rush in a lot of places and meet with a lot of people we rarely take the time to really sit with ourselves and notice how we are feeling and what our life is all about. Trust me, at the end of the day, you’ll be the only person who’s going to hear your own thoughts and live in your body and nobody else, ever, will know you better than you know yourself. So, I hope you become your best friend, because if you are anything like me and spend your life always thinking about the good of others take a moment and appreciate how an amazing person you are…since you deserve it.
Lots of love,
Queen of hearts